Sunday, February 21, 2010

Here You Go

Last night I was over hearing conversations how one can be so honest and open in a blog but, not is person. I share this same feeling. I am more open in journals,diaries and blogs because I can express myself more openly. They is no fear and no holding back. I can allow my hand to write willingly and my fingers to type away as my thoughts pour in. I tend to hold back in conversation or have never been given the opportunity to speak. So hear it is all the feelings that I have been holding in for so long. I haven't been true to myself in a very long time. I can't figure out my middle ground. I used be someone that woke up each morning and excited for the day to come. Now all my days just mash into one the same old same old playing over and over again. I used to be fun and goofy but it is a rarety it you ever see it. I keep allowing myself to fade into the background. I spoke to my family and to my good friend from back home. I feel like I am losing who I am. If you are or ever curious of who I really am well here is it goes.

I am the kind of girl that routs for my home town football team on Sunday

I am the kind of girl who has a deep passion for music. I grew up watching the Grammys and hoping one day I would make it there. I love listening and watching the artistry.

I like to dance and have a good time. It doesn't have to be in a club. In the car or in my room is where I love to be. I was able to dance around in my room with my friend and just let loose this week. You haven't seen my dancing me!

I am the kind of girl who cares a lot about people more that than may care about me. I miss having a tight knit group of friends. Friends that didn't have to question if they were or not. Here I can be surrounded by a group of people but feel completely alone. I guess my definition of a friend is completely different. As I laid in my bed a question came into my head. I always take care of people but who really takes care of me? My definition of a friend is how it is shown. Coming to talk or visit even it is for brief moments. Letting me know that they came to see me to make time for me. Like when my friend Kirstie who comes into my work and chats with me. Or simple a phone call when friendships are taken far away that we can talk for an hour or so and just laugh.

All in all I am tired and done feeling lost amongst the crowd and faded in the background. So when I move it will be a true test of character and friendship. Also Im sure there will be some other changes


Jonathan said...

I'm not a very good friend. I never really have been. It is hard for me to love or be loved. But I do care.

Joyce said...

Hey bren i'm sorry you feel like this. It's funny because sometimes I feel like this here in San Diego. But thats why we have to learn to depend on ourselves for our emotional needs. It's a sad truth, and I hate to sound pessimistic, but we can't rely on having friends to be happy because eventually everyone will let us down, one way or the other. In most cases it won't be intentional. We are human beings who make mistakes and sometimes we're not the best friends we can be to others. But when you learn to rely on yourself, you can walk confidently knowing that whatever happens, you have your back, and you can take care of yourself. You can know that you will not just survive through loneliness, but you will thrive in it. I can't wait for you to come back home. It'll be great to have my best friend back in town. :)