MY life chapter 2

The years of 1992 and 1993 were ruff. During 3rd grade my brother and I were bike riding at Rick's Mother's home. My brother Dustyn built a little ramp made out of a thin piece of sheeted wood and brick. I watched him go up and down and I too wanted to do the same thing. I went over the first time with ease and decided to do that again. But this time with more speed. I hit the ramp swerving than hit a left over brick in the road and fell hard onto my right arm. Rick's Mother wrapped my arm in a self made sling out of a towel linen. I was tired from the ordeal and remembered falling asleep and waking up in pain as I realized was laying on my hurt arm. My Mom took me to urgent care where I found out I had sprained my elbow and wrist. I was placed in a sling and wrapped in ace bandages with a splint. I went to school and struggled writing. I was embarrassed by my poor penmen ship and some kids in class made fun of it. My teacher recognized it and had the entire class write with the opposite hand that they were familiar with. I was in shock and felt a hint of happiness for what she did. My fellow classmates were more aware of my struggle and did not tease me anymore. Late that year I was pulled out of class as my Mom gave me the news of my Grandma being ill. My brothers and I were taken to the hospital and I still see the hospital layout. My Grandma in bed as we too climbed in to lay with her. Her faint voice but always a hint of laughter. I remember waiting in a huge waiting room coloring in my "Little Mermaid" coloring book. My family spent many days there. My Mom's friend Paul came by to take us out to dinner to allow my Mom a break. Paul took us to Taco Bell one of our favorites when I was younger. We were laughing and having a good time when Paul picked up the phone. He rushed us home to my crying Mother and she hugged us telling us of her Grandma's passing. I could not imagine what she went through to tell her Children of death and loss for the first. I did not finish my 3rd grade year but was excused by my academics and grievance. That summer I had to say good bye to my friend and my Grandma. Someone I still miss to this day. Rick was kind to us with my Grandma's passing. Playing with the vulnerability we were facing. He married my Mom also that summer. Marrying in Vegas. I cried at their wedding because I did not want her to marry him. My Grandma told me I had a way of knowing people and Rick did not feel good to me. He made me worry .

MY life Chapter 1

I have never shared the full details of my life. Not even with my family. I believe by writing them down will help me better understand myself. I was born November 11th 1985 at 7:11 a.m (Yes 7:11) I weighed a little over 7 lbs. My parents Suzie and Michael Garhartt. From memories I can recall when I was child I had a loving family. I spent many days with my grandmother. She taught me spanish at a young age and I remember when she made me peanut butter and jelly sandwhichs that she would make a heart in the peanut butter. Something I still do to this day. My Mom was very hands on with us and I can remember the first time I ever saw snow and went sledding. My father holding on me tight making sure I did not fall off. I can remember hearing them argue , yell and shout at nights. I remember the night when my Dad left. I held on the the railing of the apartment. Watching him in a total 80's white and Black foe fur coat. I watched him walk all the way to his car without looking back once. My Mom worked 3 jobs to keep us afloat! I rarely saw her. My first day of school my Mom walked me to class I was so afraid. I was a very shy kid and still to this day. My very first friend was a girl named Samantha and soon followed Silvia a girl that was about three years older than me. She lived across the way and we would play make believe. We would take old cardboard boxes and cut out windows for our pretend home. We did not have a lot of money so what we had we kept good care of it. Samantha lived in an apartment complex two blocks from me and we spent a lot of time together. I was devastated when she moved up north just after 2nd grade. That was a way of life for me when I was younger. People would move away due to changes in lifestyle. Promotion at work or moving with family to save money. I can still see there faces and sometimes wonder how they are in life. Where they are these days. I was good in school. I loved learning I loved my teachers. I grew up with brothers and I looked up to them and wanted to do everything they did. I joined a bobby sox team when My older brother Dustyn joined little league. I got hit by a baseball bat to the mouth and never played again. Aril(and yes she had read hair) was supposed to be at plate and took one last swing when I came out to the batters box she clocked me pretty hard. This was not my only run in with a baseball bat either! So now I stay clear of them. My Dad was there and took me to Urgent care and after got me food from wendi's. He got me fries and the salt stung my gums from the lose teeth and open sores in my mouth from where teeth used to be. I saw my Father every so often. He was busy with work and rarely made it to important occasions in my life. Like award ceremonies. Plays or Christmas shows that I was in. I would look out in the crowd for him but was disapointed when he was a no show. My Mom was always there when I was younger. I would pray for my parents to get back together. I was upset to see my Father had moved on so quickly from my Mother. He was dating a woman named Cris. She was beautiful. She looked like a model. I use to think she looked like Cindy Crawford. I never knew the reasoning to why my parents divorce till I was much older. My father had an affair with Cris. She caught them at a movie together "Pretty Woman" I always wondered why my mother still refuses to see that movie. I do not hate my Father for what he did. I always carried on and loved him just as I did before. My Mom soon began to date as well. Than she meet Rick and my life turned upside down.

is size really just a number?

Lately I have been feeling low on my self esteem. I guess it is contributed to cloths shopping and trying on cloths with the frustration that your size can't wear most of today's fashions! In high school I used to be a size 8 and now I am a 14. I struggle and even sometimes bail on visits with old friends in fear they will look at me like "What happened to you?" It also doesn't help my self-esteem when most guys in Utah or guys in general are looking for the skinny size 0-3 trophy wives! I guess you can say I have gained the freshman 10 and than some. I really want to strive to be my old high school size by the time I am out in L.A or at least close to it.It has been hard for me to transition from being desired by men to going dateless for the past year! I hate that I feel this way. I have moments when I feel attractive and go screw people! Than after my efforts to look nice go unnoticed I go back into my shell. I have been teased when I was younger. Lets just say I didn't have the best older brother. He teased me constantly when I was going through a very awkward stage in my life. I can recall one day when the neighborhood boy that I had a huge crush on came over and he pinned me on the ground and sat on me saying "Mrs. Claus for Christmas I would like." I noticed the boy that I had been crushing on was laughing with him and wanted to run away but he continued yelling Bertha as he poked at my fat. I wasn't even that chubby not even the size I am today. I know these types of experiences in my life have shaped my low self esteem. All I know is that I hate today's society and what they see as healthy!

Here You Go

Last night I was over hearing conversations how one can be so honest and open in a blog but, not is person. I share this same feeling. I am more open in journals,diaries and blogs because I can express myself more openly. They is no fear and no holding back. I can allow my hand to write willingly and my fingers to type away as my thoughts pour in. I tend to hold back in conversation or have never been given the opportunity to speak. So hear it is all the feelings that I have been holding in for so long. I haven't been true to myself in a very long time. I can't figure out my middle ground. I used be someone that woke up each morning and excited for the day to come. Now all my days just mash into one the same old same old playing over and over again. I used to be fun and goofy but it is a rarety it you ever see it. I keep allowing myself to fade into the background. I spoke to my family and to my good friend from back home. I feel like I am losing who I am. If you are or ever curious of who I really am well here is it goes.

I am the kind of girl that routs for my home town football team on Sunday

I am the kind of girl who has a deep passion for music. I grew up watching the Grammys and hoping one day I would make it there. I love listening and watching the artistry.

I like to dance and have a good time. It doesn't have to be in a club. In the car or in my room is where I love to be. I was able to dance around in my room with my friend and just let loose this week. You haven't seen my dancing yet..trust me!

I am the kind of girl who cares a lot about people more that than may care about me. I miss having a tight knit group of friends. Friends that didn't have to question if they were or not. Here I can be surrounded by a group of people but feel completely alone. I guess my definition of a friend is completely different. As I laid in my bed a question came into my head. I always take care of people but who really takes care of me? My definition of a friend is how it is shown. Coming to talk or visit even it is for brief moments. Letting me know that they came to see me to make time for me. Like when my friend Kirstie who comes into my work and chats with me. Or simple a phone call when friendships are taken far away that we can talk for an hour or so and just laugh.

All in all I am tired and done feeling lost amongst the crowd and faded in the background. So when I move it will be a true test of character and friendship. Also Im sure there will be some other changes

Day 2:December 24

I set my alarm to wake me up early to surprise my Mom. I rolled out of bed excited and walked over to my Mom's room she was at the dresser and she looked at me and said "Brenna?" she had a stunned look on her face and than asked "Did you get here last night. Which I replied "Yeah I did." She than asked how I got here there. I said Joyce got me. She must have been tired because she said "That was nice of Joyce to come and get you." I laughed and I said "No Mom I flew in." She than called me a punk for tricking her and gave me a huge hug. After she went to work I went back to bed to catch up on some needed sleep. Later that day the family and I went to Temecula to my Aunt's for Christmas Eve dinner. It was good to be with family I haven't seen in awhile and to see my little cousins. Who want to know every detail of my college life. They are 13 so they are really into boy talk. I told them about my friends the snow and boys I have gone dates with. But told them no boy though. My cousin Morgan followed me around through out the night and danced to christmas songs. My littlest cousin James(he is 5) is so adorable and kept putting me in the naughty chair for being naughty. It was his new favorite game to make me sit and trap me on the chair.I enjoyed that night and spending time with people I love. I than went to my Dad's to surprise him. He was happy to see me and like my Mom thought I was a punk for not telling him.After some quality time with my Dad I went home to sleep.

Christmas day by day: Day 1

I wanted to keep up with my trip home. Seems lately I forget the small precious moments and focus of the things that are not worth time to focus on. So I want to write my vacation back home day by day.

Day 1 December 23,2009: Flying home

I got a last minute flight out to San Diego at 9:40 p.m it was more like 10:40 p.m. My flight got delayed due to technical difficulties. There was a fire light on that they could not figure out to fix. So they are to reboot the system turn the plane off three times. We sat in the fully packed plane for 40 minutes. Everyone was on edge and grumpy. The man next to me was upset because the car rental place would be closed by the time we touched down. The guy on my right was just tired and wanted to be home. I didn't tell my parents that I was flying down. I told them I was waiting for the snow storm to pass and that it was horrible to drive in. I told them the likely hood of me being there for Christmas looked slimmed. Little did they know I was in flight to see them. Joyce was in on my clever plan and picked me up from the airport. I was happy to see her! I think the friendships that are the best is that when you are miles away and when you see them again you pick up right where you left off. We got home and I put my hoodie on and got out of the car. I soon felt Jr. (the family dog) at my feet. I quickly turn to get my luggage and hear my little sister talking than say "Sister is that you?" than she runs and hugs me when she realizes Joyce is not my brother's girlfriend and that I was not Nik. She was so excited! We walked in trying to keep quiet I knew my mom was asleep. So we crept up the stairs and spent time with J.C. Jr. was quick to cuddle with me on the bed as we all chatted and danced around to Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" Around 2 a.m Joyce left and I retired to bed. I love sleeping in my old bed it is just home. I set my alarm to wake me up to surprise my Mom before she had to go to work.

Don't bottle me up

I realized how long it has been since my last blog. A lot has happened in my life. I am dealing with loss and reality. I tend to bottle my emotions up. Playing a facade that everything in my life is great. When there are cracks in my foundation that can soon show what is really going on in the inside. Two weeks ago I found out that the lady I work for has blood clots all up and down her leg. Her leg was swollen twice the size of her other leg. I was thinking she must of got bitten by a bug and had an allergic reaction. Nothing serious went through my head. Blood clots never crossed my mind. Her Mom sat me down in the morning to tell me of her daughters uncertain death. Saying it could be days,months and maybe a year before she will pass away. She informed me that I didn't have to work with her if I didn't want to. That the chocie was up to me. Just to know that she could pass in my care. I struggled with the idea for days. I already watched someone I love die and I didn't want to it again. As I was praying through out the week what I should do. I took part in her blessing. I sat and took every word spoken in. I couldn't help the tears that rolled down my face. I tried to stay strong for her Mom by wiping my tears quickly. I didn't fool her one bit when she handed me a tissue and the tears came again. The moment that struck me the most was when the Priesthood holder said "You will have the best care with when the time comes with people that love you." My heart raced and I knew I would be there for her on her last days. My calling now to her is to give her the best quality of life I could give. Keep her routine normal and maintain her happiness in the things she loves. They tell us not to get attached to the ones we work with. I couldn't help getting attached to her. She makes me smile and I love seeing her everyday. She is my friend and I know it will hurt when she leaves. I can't wait to meet with her again. As I face this heartache I began to reevaluate my major. I was going into film then realized my love for people and went to special education. Both I know I would love to do and be good at. I didn't want to deal with the heartbreaks of losing my students to untimely deaths. So I began to search my true passion! I went to see my Aunt's Band in Salt Lake the Crash Kings. I have always loved music. Ever since I was little girl I would find these unknown bands and make my family listen to them. Soon my friends would be introduced and felt accomplished when they soon became big. My Aunt has a record company in L.A. I talked to my Dad about an idea I had about moving to L.A and interning with my Aunt. Maybe finish school out there. So when I visit in December I am going to meet with her a discuss my ideas. So I might be moving to L.A in the summer.