There is no place like home

So lately I have been feeling a little home sick. I knew moving here to Utah was going to be a struggle. As my Bishop concealed to me that the "Grass Is not Greener anywhere," and that I will have a hard time. I never had to move around a lot when I was a little girl. I remember when the new kids that moved into my class. I thought they were so cool because they were the new kids on campus. They made friends easily...well at least from where I am. So moving here was an exciting thing because I would make some new friends and find myself more. I hate to say but making friends here has been a little difficult...I meet people from my ward. We hang out talk and have a good time but that is the last I hear from them. I will see those that I meet from my complex walking around and I was say hello and of course they say hi back, but once again that is it. I know I don't have the most outgoing personality and I have come a long way! I used be as one boy called me my freshman year in high school a "hermit." I was not very social. I would just stick with what was familiar to me. Now I talk to people and introduce myself as well as hold meaningful conversations. I miss home mainly for my family. When I would have low days my Mom's home was always open to me. I would curl up on the couch with her and talk to her about all my worries and stresses.My Mom would always have the best words and ways to cheer me up. Here if I have a day like that I either call her or take my car for a drive and play my music. After a therapeutic session of pondering and pray I would return home. I hate putting myself out there sometimes to meet people. Especially when your talking and they kinda blow you off with short and brief answers like your boring them. I feel kinda like a fool.I just want to feel like I am someone people like to be around...well sorry again for another boring rant. 

My Passion

Last night I went to a film shoot of one my friends (Jonathan). I am so glad that he invited me! As you may or not know I want to major in film. I have never been on a film shoot before so the experience was all new to me.  When you are asked the question in high school what do you want to be I had always settled to be a teacher. My Mom was set on me being one because two of my Aunt's are teachers at local schools and she said that I would get great experience from them. Film was not even an idea yet. I guess you can say that it was my secret desire. I used to listen to music or read a book and think in my head how would I envision this. I loved it! One day just out of boredom I began to mix audio clips and clips from my favorite t.v shows and made up little videos. I jokingly mention it to my Dad and he asked to see them. I was nervous having him watching them because to me they were just some stupid boredom videos. His response kinda came as a shock  when he said "I think this is what you need to be doing." "Working with music videos and working towards films." "You would be a great teacher but I think this is your true passion." I began researching more about it. Then I talked to my Uncle and he told my Aunt who directs music videos for up an coming artist. She said that I could intern with her after I graduate. I began to feel more excited but not as excited as last night when I truly realized this was what I wanted to do. Jonathan posed a question to me about what did I want to do on a film. He began listing all the different departments. Honestly I was not sure. That night I was the P.A girl. I basically ran around and fetched stuff for the crew and the cast. Thirsty got it...Gaff tape got it! I even was a an extra as a dead body. Which was also fun because it was another new experience for me. Also playing a dead girl was interesting especially having to lay on a guys lap for awhile. I guess that is one way to know your neighbor better! The film shoot went on til about 2:30 a.m I began to feel tired and knowing that I had to be up for work that morning made me feel even more exhausted. I came out of this experience with more of a an appreciation for how movies are made. It is a lot of hard work and patience. But above all I came out the experience knowing what I want to be...a Director. 

I have realized!

So last night I went to the movies with my roommate and her boyfriend to go see "He Just Not That Into You." It started off introducing you to all the different characters and their relationship story and how they are all intertwined. I watched the movie and began to realize more and more how I related to the character in GiGi and how she goes through all kinds of relationship trials. She tends to like the guys that are just not that into her. She than gets the help of a guy to help her with all of her relationship woes. She than goes onto to say that she is not the exception to all the rules of men, but she is the rule. I AM THE RULE TOO! I usual go for guys or like guys that are "just not into me." I take their "Signs" or what they say and with the help of my friends "read into them." I used to not read into things until I had that friend that told me I was beautiful and that guy likes me. Also when it does not work out they are there to say that guy does not know what he is missing or he likes you he just does not know what he wants. UGH I wish they would just tell me the truth. I am easy to get over stuff and with their honesty I would be able to move on. So all day long I have been thinking more and more taking the advice from the movie observing guys from my ward and at my complex...is this guy into her...? I hate being a girl waiting for some guy to come around in find me. The part that got me the most is when the character of GIGI  kisses the guy that gives her help thinking that her likes her after she gets "signs" from him and thinks he likes her. He than gets up and starts to yell at her after she tells him that she thought he liked her. After his fit she says " I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! you think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make a fool of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either.You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid stuff but I'm still a lot closer to love than you'll ever be." I know sometimes I try or worry to much about relationship and get down when another year goes by still single, but at least I put myself out there. 

Who I am, Who I'm Not, Who I Want To Be

Yeah I know I took the lyrics to the song by The Fray. Lately those simple lyrics have sparked a thought in me. Which is Who I am I, Who am I not and What do I want to be. As of now I see myself as this. I am one of those girls that has one of the worst fears that one can carry. Which is I have a fear of acceptance. I hate when people don't like me or do not give me a chance. I am a girl with a big heart. I care a lot about others and makes sure people are happy. I am a girl that has a huge imagination. I love writing stories,scripts and plays. When I was younger I could entertain myself in my room with a make believe world that I made up in my head. I also was the one that my neighborhood friends would invite over to think up new adventures for pretend. I am girl that hides feelings to protect herself from those who have hurt her. So these blogs are personal and consider yourself honored to read them. I am girl with a testimony and faith. I am a girl who loves music and feels that on some days it is an escape from reality. I am girl that has risen from a ruff childhood to look and see the beauty. Who I am not is someone that will allow people to walk over her. I am not "Molly Mormon" and probably never will be. I  am not the outgoing girl and wished I was. Who I am not is emotionless.What I want to be is to feel wanted. I want to feel good enough. I want to be stronger. I want to be successful as in finish what I start. I want to be more confident but not in a prideful way.I want to be me. I want one day to see these things in me!

Scared Boy Syndrome

So I have thought a lot about relationships. I think you can not really escape the whole dating thing when you live in Utah. I like to say that I suffer from scared boy syndrome. That is every time I move a boy will finally get the guts to tell me that he likes me. Before I moved out here to Utah I went on a date with a guy friend of mine. It was really nice for him to take me out. Little did he know that only a week before I lost someone in my life. He asked me why my sudden move came about. I did not tell him that I was leaving to get away from the hurt and shock of someone I really cared for. I made up that I felt like it was time to move and that the opportunity came about so I took it. Don't get me wrong I did pray about it just weird how the Lord gives an answer sometimes sudden. While we were on our date he asked me some pretty interesting questions and he made me laugh on numerous accounts which was something I needed. He always jokes with me about being "just Friends" At the end of the date he asked is I was going to a show of one of our friends. I said I was not sure yet and might not. He than said "I will see you." Well I did get to go to say good byes to some friends and when I had to leave he gave me a hug and said that "This is not good bye and that he'll see me soon." Referring to his visit to Utah for spring break. He is a pretty cool guy and I like spending time with him. But I can not help not to put a wall up. Seems like most guys these days are looking for the "trophy wife" girlfriends. I do believe in myself to know that I am "Trophy Wife" material. Just that guys don't seem to see that. As I have said I tend not to crush on guys because well...they usually do not feel the same way. I feel a lot that I get played. Not saying that this guy back home won't play me or not. Just that the guys before well they have really messed me up. I was once proposed to. I was 19 and like I may have said already unsure that this was the route I wanted to take at that point in my life. I told him to wait and after I thought more about it. I told him that I would marry him. He than told me that he has been thinking about it as well and that the Lord told him I was not RIGHT for him. I think this has been an issue with relationships I have had thinking am I not right for this guy too?? I used to date a lot before I was LDS and now that I am seems like I have to worry more and more about is this next guy going to propose to me as well?? Will I be right?? As of now I just want to date and have fun. If I end up in a committed relationship well that is good too. I just want to feel like I am right and that these stupid guys that can not look and see the real beauty that lays beneath need to look at themselves. Anyways I know I went on a rant but tonight I had to just let it out. Like in one of my favorite songs "All the good girls are home with broken hearts."

My Poker Face

Well I have finally come to the realization that I live in Utah now, that I am no longer on what I thought was vacation. Getting a job really stressed me out!! Seemed like everywhere I went was full of employees and not hiring. Than out of the blue two places that I had applied to called me and offered me a job. I was so relieved. Than I moved into my new place at Foxwood. I still am getting a little adjusted. My roommates seem really cool. My roomie is from Taiwan she is super sweet and always is so helpful. She is here to learn English than she is moving back home. I must say I do love Utah. So far it is treating me good no extreme snow storms. I am really excited about going night boarding next week. I have never been before and I am sure that I will fall on my booty more than actually snow boarding. One thing lately I noticed is I want people to get to know me for me. I feel that most people refer to me as the friend of the friend or the best friend of a friend. Not as Brenna. I have come to realize more and more sense I have been here I have to step out and be...well me. I am no longer going to sit back and see what happens. I am going to have to come out of my comfort zone and make my own friends. Not the ones I feel like I am borrowing. I love the friends I have made through Rosalinda! They are all amazing and great people to be around. I like hanging out with them! I feel however I need to make some on my own. There for I will no longer sit back with a poker face...I am going to need to step up and make my move.

Home Sweet Home

I guess one can say this is my first Blog of the year. As most of my close friends know I moved to Utah. The interesting part is that I was not planning to move out here until febuary or the summer. As I was driving on my what seemed to be a forever long road trip up. I could not help to think for a moment like I was one of those rebellious characters in a movie, that pack up all their things a leave. I had only a week to say good-bye to my family and my friends as well as packing up and leaving. The prompting to move was so sudden and the path so unexpected. Being back here in Utah I know is going to have its ups and downs, but I know that this is where the Lord wants me to be. For so long I have been carrying so much weight and worry. As I rolled into my destination I had this overwhelming feeling of peace. I am excited to see where this road takes me here. I am glad to meet new people and catch up with old friends as well. I know these next days or weeks are going to be stressful with trying to settle in. Sorry this blog is short but hopefully once I am settled I will have more to write!