is size really just a number?

Lately I have been feeling low on my self esteem. I guess it is contributed to cloths shopping and trying on cloths with the frustration that your size can't wear most of today's fashions! In high school I used to be a size 8 and now I am a 14. I struggle and even sometimes bail on visits with old friends in fear they will look at me like "What happened to you?" It also doesn't help my self-esteem when most guys in Utah or guys in general are looking for the skinny size 0-3 trophy wives! I guess you can say I have gained the freshman 10 and than some. I really want to strive to be my old high school size by the time I am out in L.A or at least close to it.It has been hard for me to transition from being desired by men to going dateless for the past year! I hate that I feel this way. I have moments when I feel attractive and go screw people! Than after my efforts to look nice go unnoticed I go back into my shell. I have been teased when I was younger. Lets just say I didn't have the best older brother. He teased me constantly when I was going through a very awkward stage in my life. I can recall one day when the neighborhood boy that I had a huge crush on came over and he pinned me on the ground and sat on me saying "Mrs. Claus for Christmas I would like." I noticed the boy that I had been crushing on was laughing with him and wanted to run away but he continued yelling Bertha as he poked at my fat. I wasn't even that chubby not even the size I am today. I know these types of experiences in my life have shaped my low self esteem. All I know is that I hate today's society and what they see as healthy!

Here You Go

Last night I was over hearing conversations how one can be so honest and open in a blog but, not is person. I share this same feeling. I am more open in journals,diaries and blogs because I can express myself more openly. They is no fear and no holding back. I can allow my hand to write willingly and my fingers to type away as my thoughts pour in. I tend to hold back in conversation or have never been given the opportunity to speak. So hear it is all the feelings that I have been holding in for so long. I haven't been true to myself in a very long time. I can't figure out my middle ground. I used be someone that woke up each morning and excited for the day to come. Now all my days just mash into one the same old same old playing over and over again. I used to be fun and goofy but it is a rarety it you ever see it. I keep allowing myself to fade into the background. I spoke to my family and to my good friend from back home. I feel like I am losing who I am. If you are or ever curious of who I really am well here is it goes.

I am the kind of girl that routs for my home town football team on Sunday

I am the kind of girl who has a deep passion for music. I grew up watching the Grammys and hoping one day I would make it there. I love listening and watching the artistry.

I like to dance and have a good time. It doesn't have to be in a club. In the car or in my room is where I love to be. I was able to dance around in my room with my friend and just let loose this week. You haven't seen my dancing yet..trust me!

I am the kind of girl who cares a lot about people more that than may care about me. I miss having a tight knit group of friends. Friends that didn't have to question if they were or not. Here I can be surrounded by a group of people but feel completely alone. I guess my definition of a friend is completely different. As I laid in my bed a question came into my head. I always take care of people but who really takes care of me? My definition of a friend is how it is shown. Coming to talk or visit even it is for brief moments. Letting me know that they came to see me to make time for me. Like when my friend Kirstie who comes into my work and chats with me. Or simple a phone call when friendships are taken far away that we can talk for an hour or so and just laugh.

All in all I am tired and done feeling lost amongst the crowd and faded in the background. So when I move it will be a true test of character and friendship. Also Im sure there will be some other changes

Day 2:December 24

I set my alarm to wake me up early to surprise my Mom. I rolled out of bed excited and walked over to my Mom's room she was at the dresser and she looked at me and said "Brenna?" she had a stunned look on her face and than asked "Did you get here last night. Which I replied "Yeah I did." She than asked how I got here there. I said Joyce got me. She must have been tired because she said "That was nice of Joyce to come and get you." I laughed and I said "No Mom I flew in." She than called me a punk for tricking her and gave me a huge hug. After she went to work I went back to bed to catch up on some needed sleep. Later that day the family and I went to Temecula to my Aunt's for Christmas Eve dinner. It was good to be with family I haven't seen in awhile and to see my little cousins. Who want to know every detail of my college life. They are 13 so they are really into boy talk. I told them about my friends the snow and boys I have gone dates with. But told them no boy though. My cousin Morgan followed me around through out the night and danced to christmas songs. My littlest cousin James(he is 5) is so adorable and kept putting me in the naughty chair for being naughty. It was his new favorite game to make me sit and trap me on the chair.I enjoyed that night and spending time with people I love. I than went to my Dad's to surprise him. He was happy to see me and like my Mom thought I was a punk for not telling him.After some quality time with my Dad I went home to sleep.

Christmas day by day: Day 1

I wanted to keep up with my trip home. Seems lately I forget the small precious moments and focus of the things that are not worth time to focus on. So I want to write my vacation back home day by day.

Day 1 December 23,2009: Flying home

I got a last minute flight out to San Diego at 9:40 p.m it was more like 10:40 p.m. My flight got delayed due to technical difficulties. There was a fire light on that they could not figure out to fix. So they are to reboot the system turn the plane off three times. We sat in the fully packed plane for 40 minutes. Everyone was on edge and grumpy. The man next to me was upset because the car rental place would be closed by the time we touched down. The guy on my right was just tired and wanted to be home. I didn't tell my parents that I was flying down. I told them I was waiting for the snow storm to pass and that it was horrible to drive in. I told them the likely hood of me being there for Christmas looked slimmed. Little did they know I was in flight to see them. Joyce was in on my clever plan and picked me up from the airport. I was happy to see her! I think the friendships that are the best is that when you are miles away and when you see them again you pick up right where you left off. We got home and I put my hoodie on and got out of the car. I soon felt Jr. (the family dog) at my feet. I quickly turn to get my luggage and hear my little sister talking than say "Sister is that you?" than she runs and hugs me when she realizes Joyce is not my brother's girlfriend and that I was not Nik. She was so excited! We walked in trying to keep quiet I knew my mom was asleep. So we crept up the stairs and spent time with J.C. Jr. was quick to cuddle with me on the bed as we all chatted and danced around to Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" Around 2 a.m Joyce left and I retired to bed. I love sleeping in my old bed it is just home. I set my alarm to wake me up to surprise my Mom before she had to go to work.

Don't bottle me up

I realized how long it has been since my last blog. A lot has happened in my life. I am dealing with loss and reality. I tend to bottle my emotions up. Playing a facade that everything in my life is great. When there are cracks in my foundation that can soon show what is really going on in the inside. Two weeks ago I found out that the lady I work for has blood clots all up and down her leg. Her leg was swollen twice the size of her other leg. I was thinking she must of got bitten by a bug and had an allergic reaction. Nothing serious went through my head. Blood clots never crossed my mind. Her Mom sat me down in the morning to tell me of her daughters uncertain death. Saying it could be days,months and maybe a year before she will pass away. She informed me that I didn't have to work with her if I didn't want to. That the chocie was up to me. Just to know that she could pass in my care. I struggled with the idea for days. I already watched someone I love die and I didn't want to it again. As I was praying through out the week what I should do. I took part in her blessing. I sat and took every word spoken in. I couldn't help the tears that rolled down my face. I tried to stay strong for her Mom by wiping my tears quickly. I didn't fool her one bit when she handed me a tissue and the tears came again. The moment that struck me the most was when the Priesthood holder said "You will have the best care with when the time comes with people that love you." My heart raced and I knew I would be there for her on her last days. My calling now to her is to give her the best quality of life I could give. Keep her routine normal and maintain her happiness in the things she loves. They tell us not to get attached to the ones we work with. I couldn't help getting attached to her. She makes me smile and I love seeing her everyday. She is my friend and I know it will hurt when she leaves. I can't wait to meet with her again. As I face this heartache I began to reevaluate my major. I was going into film then realized my love for people and went to special education. Both I know I would love to do and be good at. I didn't want to deal with the heartbreaks of losing my students to untimely deaths. So I began to search my true passion! I went to see my Aunt's Band in Salt Lake the Crash Kings. I have always loved music. Ever since I was little girl I would find these unknown bands and make my family listen to them. Soon my friends would be introduced and felt accomplished when they soon became big. My Aunt has a record company in L.A. I talked to my Dad about an idea I had about moving to L.A and interning with my Aunt. Maybe finish school out there. So when I visit in December I am going to meet with her a discuss my ideas. So I might be moving to L.A in the summer.

The wall falls down

I am not one to open up easily. So once that wall comes down I feel completely vulnerable. This past month seems like a haze. I was in this conflicted state. Who is Brenna? I was figuring out my life trying to fit the pieces together. I work once a week doing graveyard shifts at a residential home. Basically it is just me and another co-worker. The shift is eight hours long so getting to know someone can come fairly easy. The guy that works with me tends to talk about relationship woes and for the first two weeks it seemed that was all that he could talk about. I was interested to hear his perspective and way of thinking. About a week ago we finished watching a scary movie when  all of sudden we began to talk about how to be better. He is kinda on the same boat as me. We need to change  focus on the Lord and being more obedient. We got into deep conversation and I felt safe talking to him about all my worries and what I have gone though. The conversation just flowed and I never once had to think of what I was saying. Usually when I like someone I hold back or I say what they want to hear. As the conversation ended we lay looking at each other when he says "How come I can be so honest with you." I shrugged and he than asked "Do you feel comfortable talking to me?' I replied with a yes and soon realized he saw me. That night was one of the most strange and wonderful nights. I was so easy to open up to him. The thing that caught me of guard was what he said about how he is so honest with me. We developed a friendship and I enjoy his company and look forward to the days we work together and the conversations we have. He is one of the few guys I feel completely comfortable around. No stress no worries just being me. He makes me feel safe and I am myself around him.

OFF

 Lately people have been asking why I seem  little off. I hate talking about things face to face. I tend to bottle things up inside that is my downfall. I let things bottle up and eat away until one day I break down. I am at a  weird point in my life. I am confused more than ever! Someone close to me tried to commit suicide someone I love so much. I am not a big fan of those who talk about suicide as a joke. I have two people in my life commit suicide. One a friend I had in middle school the other my Uncle. I have been so busy and stressed out and when I got a frantic phone call. The feeling didn't hit til later in the week. I guess I was in shock. I went through all kind of emotions sadness, angry,worry and confusion. I am 720 miles away from the person I love. What could I do to help them when I am so far away. No one is there to watch over them. I feel completely helpless. I needed people to be around me to feel some since of normalcy. To distract me from reality I guess. But I didn't...people are busy. My friends are few and have a lot going on. It is my fault for some of it because I hate asking for help or for understanding. I finally couldn't take it anymore and got in my car a fled to Vegas to meet up with a friend of mine.  I needed to get away I didn't want to be alone. I had fun. I lost myself for the weekend. Let nothing affect me. I guess it was another stupid plan to see if people would care where I was. Would they miss me when I was gone would they even know? Silly me...I am confused about my beliefs. How come when you join the Church you have all the friends in the world...years go on and they slowly disappear. Like I have said friendships are changing...I'm changing. I feel like part of me is living a lie while the other is trying to hold on to something they don't want to let go of.