If You Care To Read

I know in my blogs it seems like I complain a lot. I am sorry but I guess life is stressful sometimes and I vent on a blog. Kinda silly huh. Well this one is more like another little release. Considering at the moment I have no one to really talk. I mentioned in a previous blog that my Dad has congestive heart failure. A last week he called to check up on  me. Halfway through the conversation he asked me to keep a secret. I told him it depended on the situation if I could. He told me he stopped taking his medications that he is just going to let his heart get worse in order to speed up his heart transplant chances. I told him that the he was being selfish. That he didn't consider his family in his decision. I was so upset that after we hung up. I debated for awhile if I should tell my brothers. The bad thing is that I didn't. Now tonight my Dad is in the hospital. He sounds horrible. The doctors told him today that his heart is weaker and is failing. I asked him if he told the Doctors that he wasn't taking his medication.Of course he didn't so I am telling my brothers so they can speak to them.I guess being up here in Utah took me from the reality of my Dad's condition. I don't want to lose my Dad.I have had plenty of scares with my Dad's health. I guess I am scared that one of these times it will be the last one. 

Blast From The Past

This past month has been a ruff one. This pass weekend not that good either. When I was a little I had really bad allergies that would make my eyes swell and sometimes swell shut. I would be very uncomfortable and breathing was not easy. For almost 10 years my allergy symptoms were not as bad and for the past three years I haven't had to take medicine. Not anymore! I finally cracked and purchased medicine. It helped but I still wake up every morning at 6:10 a.m and start sneezing. I felt groggy at work that burnt myself. Than Saturday night my eyes swelled up.My Mom asked what I was taking and I told it is the medicine that my doctor gave me that worked well. My Dad has allergies like I do and told me to take another medicine. I am just hoping that they will die down soon. That for now I have to stay indoors for awhile because I am allergic to Pollen. It is killing me because I want to go biking! Anyways on a more of a happier note. I am going back home at the end of this month to be with family. I am actually looking forward to getting away from Provo because I need a break. Shannon is going down with me and we are planning to go to seaworld which is exciting I have not been there since 8th grade. My Mom is way cute she told me that the other guest room has a bed in it and that it is my old bed. I was so happy because I miss my old bed. We than began to talk about how things are going. I told her its been ruff but I making more friends in my apartment and that things are settling down. She than asked me if I remembered a guy named Corey from high school. My mom was a mentor in a way to him. He went through a lot growing up. I told her "Yeah I do." "What happened to him?" (We used to be good friends and than out of nowhere he was gone) She told me he changed schools and that he was my little brother's Navy recruiter. That he stopped by to say hello to her and they talked for about 40 minutes and that he asked about me. She filled him in on where I was living and what I was doing up here. He than asked her "Is she still as beautiful as I remember?" of course my Mom said yes. Which is kinda embarrassing because I am nothing like I was in high school. He told my Mom to tell me that when I get down there he is taking me out. I am kinda excited to catch up with him. Weird how things happen.

Becoming Heartless

This past week has been one crazy roller coaster ride of emotions. I am glad that a new week has arrived. You may wonder why the name of my blog is becoming heartless. Well that is because I am beginning to lose myself in the demands of appearance to the worldly things in life. I used to say to myself I am beautiful...I am strong! I can overcome this, but every time I do it is like another slap in the face when I seem to go on in life rendered dateless. So I came up with this mission for myself...I went and bought a bike 2 weeks ago and have been biking all through Provo and preventing myself from having too much down time. Hopefully from this goal I will feel better of myself and well... look better. So when I do I can go to all those people that blindsided me and laugh in their face(Not really). Hence the idea of being heartless...I am sick of being the nice girl the girl that is faded into the background. I want to be the one that everyones eyes go to and see the foreground. So forgive me I guess if I have become someone you are not used to. Maybe it is for the good because it seemed like who I was never got me anywhere. 

Road T rip I will never forget!

Almost two weeks ago I went with some friends(Shannon/Scott and Alyse) on a road trip up to Idaho to see Death Cab For Cutie (One of my all time favorites). As we were driving up I couldn't help but think this is something in my life that I will have to right about. This to me was an adventure. I have never been to Idaho and I all I remember is doing a fifth grade project on it. I was so upset because I had to do my state project on a state that was boring. I was still right 10 years from now. Idaho to me was just an addition to Utah. We stopped for gas in in Eden and Shannon and I had fun looking at all the weird stuff. Also the whole "Garden of Eden" get up they had for their lunch area. When we finally got to our destination I was super excited and also excited for Shannon because it was her first concert. Which was a good first concert because they were amazing. I hate when you go to see an artist that you really like and they sound nothing like their CD in a bad way. Death Cab for Cutie is a band I would pay over and over to see. I was not a huge fan of their last CD but it's growing on me. I have pictures from our adventure. :)

A Chapter of my life

I never like letting people in. I usually just  keep parts of my life simple...private. Earlier this past month I got a scare from my father when he called me during work. He sounded down and scared. I was thrown off my his voice and asked what is wrong. My Dad was diagnosed with congestive heart failure about 4 years ago. It has been a roller coaster ride. He is on the heart transplant list and is still waiting for a heart. If you want a glimpse of what my Dad has you can watch "Seven Pounds" the character played by Rosario Dawson's has what my Dad has. I saw that movie and fought to hold back tears. My Dad is in and out of the hospital all the time. He at least goes once or twice a month. He was in the hospital this past month going through another procedure to see if he gets a couple of more days. When he called he was worried. I can hear the crying in his voice as he told me he was scared. That he feels like this is it. That he loved me and that he was sorry for this past year. Last year was a hard year for our relationship as father and daughter.Growing up I was always close to my Dad and when my parents spilt when I was five I always tried to make up lost time when ever I saw him. My Dad over the past 2 years has had a girlfriend that has been nothing but rude,manipulative and just down right hurtful to me. This has caused a strain on me and my Dad's relationship. He made his choice one day when he decided to lie to me about prior a engagement we had together. She made him choose who he wanted to spend time with and chose her. The past year we have fought and lost touch with each other.I will always have a place in my heart for my Father and letting go of someone is hard for me. Forgiving him for this past year and all the pain he caused me was hard. When he apologized I began crying. I told him that it is o.k. and that I love him. I am going home for Easter weekend and I am excited to hug my Dad and spend time with him. I know that these moments will be only a few. I can see and tell that my Dad's health is fading. The outlook of him receiving a heart transplant seems slim because he is a 2A. 

Every song ends but is that any reason not to enjoy the music?

I started a blog a long time ago about how you can tell a lot about someone from what is on their i-pod. Well I decided to talk about that. My I-pod is really random. You get a lot of different blends of music. For example Flo Rida to Andre Rieu or MOTAB to Death Cab for Cutie. One day last semester I was with my friend. When he grabbed my I-Pod and began to scroll through it. He laughed and I asked "What is so funny." He wouldn't tell me, but i bet it was some of my song choices that surprised him. I usually download my song choices by mood. Like if I am happy you got upbeat dance music or feel good music like Lady Gaga or Shiny Toy Guns. Angry you get some Linkin Park or girl power music of Beyonce. Sad well that is when death cab for cutie comes in or some coldplay. When I was driving ealrier today. I decided to turn my I-pod to a song called "Title and Registration." My wipers went with the beat of the music. I began to look around me and see the cars passing and the background of the snowy mountains. I used to take my I-pod back home to my favorite spot and would go for a walk. As I was walking along I began to notice my surroundings. People running their stresses away. Couples holding hands. Kids running around as their parents chased them. Felt like I was watching a video...the soundtrack of life as I call it. Another thing I like to do and some people may find it silly, but I like to play music and lay on my bed close my eyes and see the video that plays out in my head. Like if I was directing a music video to this song how would I envision it. Another thing I would do as I would lay there is I would think about my life past recent or future. See how my life would be interpreted to this song.  I used to think that you could tell a lot about someone from their music selection, but I have come to realize that you really can't. Like how they say don't judge a book by its cover. Well I would say you can't judge an I-Pod by Artist selection. Haha I know that was Lame :)

A weekend getaway

This past weekend my older brother came up to visit me. I was really excited. Like you may have heard me say that I thought he was the last person to ever visit me. I am the only Mormon member in my family. My older brother was very against me joining the church. For a long time he would make fun of Mormons and say really hurtful things to me regarding my decision. After a few years went by he began to realize like most of my family the only thing that changed about me was that I had different faith. I was still the goofy old Brenna. When he called me back in January to tell me he was coming up he seemed really excited and so was I. This past weekend we went to Snowbasin and went snowboarding and Skiing. For the first half of the day we got to talk and hang out while we were on the lifts. He asked me the typical big brother question like am I happy here and am I seeing someone. I told him that I am happy here and that I like being n my own. I also informed him that I was not dating anybody. He seemed to not believe me. He told me that my mom said that I have been hanging out with a guy. I told him I hang out with a lot of guys. He than said well when you do I would like to meet him. I guess this goes back to the time when I changed my myspace status to "in a relationship" and that was before I left to Utah 3 summers ago. He called me all upset that he did not know I was dating. I told him I did that just for kicks and that I was not seeing anyone. Once again he didn't believe me. I guess he still is not over that. Anyways we had a good time going down the slopes. I only fell once and it hurt pretty bad. A guy coming down had to help me pop my skis off because they were crossed and stuck funny. My brother's girlfriend came up with him as well. It was her first time out she had never snowboarded before and after he lesson my brother pushed he to go on the slope that I had fell on. It was pretty scary there were a couple of parts that allowed no room for error. She was so scared and fell many times coming down she got halfway down and broke down. I felt bad for her and my brother should not have taken her because this is all new to her. But he is very stubborn and does what he wants. So halfway down the slope I had to deal with them fighting and arguing. After we were done we were all extremely tired. We cleaned up and went to take naps! When I got up my knee was in pain going up and down the stairs of the condo was very hard. My brother felt bad about what happened so he decided to treat the girls and made us dinner and watched movies. Than Sunday we went into Salt Lake City and went around Temple square. My brother's girlfriend dated a Mormon guy and knew a lot about the temple and church stuff. My brother to my surprise asked a lot of questions about the church. Like what was the conference center for and why do have General Conferences. Felt good to teach him about my faith and for him to want to listen! I did not want to leave that night but as I drove them back to the condo I felt an overwhelming sadness. I had a piece of home with me and I wished I could always have that. My brother fell in love with the natural beauty of Utah and said he would be back in the summer to go mountain biking and this time he wants to stay somewhere close to me so he can see my friends and where I live. We even agreed that the whole family should come up in the winter for a trip. My sister is going to come up to visit me. She is really excited! I can't wait to have her here and to show her around as well. I am glad that I am able to share with my family a piece of me and to teach them more about my faith. I will post pictures from the weekend once I get them from Katie. :)