MY life chapter 2

The years of 1992 and 1993 were ruff. During 3rd grade my brother and I were bike riding at Rick's Mother's home. My brother Dustyn built a little ramp made out of a thin piece of sheeted wood and brick. I watched him go up and down and I too wanted to do the same thing. I went over the first time with ease and decided to do that again. But this time with more speed. I hit the ramp swerving than hit a left over brick in the road and fell hard onto my right arm. Rick's Mother wrapped my arm in a self made sling out of a towel linen. I was tired from the ordeal and remembered falling asleep and waking up in pain as I realized was laying on my hurt arm. My Mom took me to urgent care where I found out I had sprained my elbow and wrist. I was placed in a sling and wrapped in ace bandages with a splint. I went to school and struggled writing. I was embarrassed by my poor penmen ship and some kids in class made fun of it. My teacher recognized it and had the entire class write with the opposite hand that they were familiar with. I was in shock and felt a hint of happiness for what she did. My fellow classmates were more aware of my struggle and did not tease me anymore. Late that year I was pulled out of class as my Mom gave me the news of my Grandma being ill. My brothers and I were taken to the hospital and I still see the hospital layout. My Grandma in bed as we too climbed in to lay with her. Her faint voice but always a hint of laughter. I remember waiting in a huge waiting room coloring in my "Little Mermaid" coloring book. My family spent many days there. My Mom's friend Paul came by to take us out to dinner to allow my Mom a break. Paul took us to Taco Bell one of our favorites when I was younger. We were laughing and having a good time when Paul picked up the phone. He rushed us home to my crying Mother and she hugged us telling us of her Grandma's passing. I could not imagine what she went through to tell her Children of death and loss for the first. I did not finish my 3rd grade year but was excused by my academics and grievance. That summer I had to say good bye to my friend and my Grandma. Someone I still miss to this day. Rick was kind to us with my Grandma's passing. Playing with the vulnerability we were facing. He married my Mom also that summer. Marrying in Vegas. I cried at their wedding because I did not want her to marry him. My Grandma told me I had a way of knowing people and Rick did not feel good to me. He made me worry .

MY life Chapter 1

I have never shared the full details of my life. Not even with my family. I believe by writing them down will help me better understand myself. I was born November 11th 1985 at 7:11 a.m (Yes 7:11) I weighed a little over 7 lbs. My parents Suzie and Michael Garhartt. From memories I can recall when I was child I had a loving family. I spent many days with my grandmother. She taught me spanish at a young age and I remember when she made me peanut butter and jelly sandwhichs that she would make a heart in the peanut butter. Something I still do to this day. My Mom was very hands on with us and I can remember the first time I ever saw snow and went sledding. My father holding on me tight making sure I did not fall off. I can remember hearing them argue , yell and shout at nights. I remember the night when my Dad left. I held on the the railing of the apartment. Watching him in a total 80's white and Black foe fur coat. I watched him walk all the way to his car without looking back once. My Mom worked 3 jobs to keep us afloat! I rarely saw her. My first day of school my Mom walked me to class I was so afraid. I was a very shy kid and still to this day. My very first friend was a girl named Samantha and soon followed Silvia a girl that was about three years older than me. She lived across the way and we would play make believe. We would take old cardboard boxes and cut out windows for our pretend home. We did not have a lot of money so what we had we kept good care of it. Samantha lived in an apartment complex two blocks from me and we spent a lot of time together. I was devastated when she moved up north just after 2nd grade. That was a way of life for me when I was younger. People would move away due to changes in lifestyle. Promotion at work or moving with family to save money. I can still see there faces and sometimes wonder how they are in life. Where they are these days. I was good in school. I loved learning I loved my teachers. I grew up with brothers and I looked up to them and wanted to do everything they did. I joined a bobby sox team when My older brother Dustyn joined little league. I got hit by a baseball bat to the mouth and never played again. Aril(and yes she had read hair) was supposed to be at plate and took one last swing when I came out to the batters box she clocked me pretty hard. This was not my only run in with a baseball bat either! So now I stay clear of them. My Dad was there and took me to Urgent care and after got me food from wendi's. He got me fries and the salt stung my gums from the lose teeth and open sores in my mouth from where teeth used to be. I saw my Father every so often. He was busy with work and rarely made it to important occasions in my life. Like award ceremonies. Plays or Christmas shows that I was in. I would look out in the crowd for him but was disapointed when he was a no show. My Mom was always there when I was younger. I would pray for my parents to get back together. I was upset to see my Father had moved on so quickly from my Mother. He was dating a woman named Cris. She was beautiful. She looked like a model. I use to think she looked like Cindy Crawford. I never knew the reasoning to why my parents divorce till I was much older. My father had an affair with Cris. She caught them at a movie together "Pretty Woman" I always wondered why my mother still refuses to see that movie. I do not hate my Father for what he did. I always carried on and loved him just as I did before. My Mom soon began to date as well. Than she meet Rick and my life turned upside down.

is size really just a number?

Lately I have been feeling low on my self esteem. I guess it is contributed to cloths shopping and trying on cloths with the frustration that your size can't wear most of today's fashions! In high school I used to be a size 8 and now I am a 14. I struggle and even sometimes bail on visits with old friends in fear they will look at me like "What happened to you?" It also doesn't help my self-esteem when most guys in Utah or guys in general are looking for the skinny size 0-3 trophy wives! I guess you can say I have gained the freshman 10 and than some. I really want to strive to be my old high school size by the time I am out in L.A or at least close to it.It has been hard for me to transition from being desired by men to going dateless for the past year! I hate that I feel this way. I have moments when I feel attractive and go screw people! Than after my efforts to look nice go unnoticed I go back into my shell. I have been teased when I was younger. Lets just say I didn't have the best older brother. He teased me constantly when I was going through a very awkward stage in my life. I can recall one day when the neighborhood boy that I had a huge crush on came over and he pinned me on the ground and sat on me saying "Mrs. Claus for Christmas I would like." I noticed the boy that I had been crushing on was laughing with him and wanted to run away but he continued yelling Bertha as he poked at my fat. I wasn't even that chubby not even the size I am today. I know these types of experiences in my life have shaped my low self esteem. All I know is that I hate today's society and what they see as healthy!

Here You Go

Last night I was over hearing conversations how one can be so honest and open in a blog but, not is person. I share this same feeling. I am more open in journals,diaries and blogs because I can express myself more openly. They is no fear and no holding back. I can allow my hand to write willingly and my fingers to type away as my thoughts pour in. I tend to hold back in conversation or have never been given the opportunity to speak. So hear it is all the feelings that I have been holding in for so long. I haven't been true to myself in a very long time. I can't figure out my middle ground. I used be someone that woke up each morning and excited for the day to come. Now all my days just mash into one the same old same old playing over and over again. I used to be fun and goofy but it is a rarety it you ever see it. I keep allowing myself to fade into the background. I spoke to my family and to my good friend from back home. I feel like I am losing who I am. If you are or ever curious of who I really am well here is it goes.

I am the kind of girl that routs for my home town football team on Sunday

I am the kind of girl who has a deep passion for music. I grew up watching the Grammys and hoping one day I would make it there. I love listening and watching the artistry.

I like to dance and have a good time. It doesn't have to be in a club. In the car or in my room is where I love to be. I was able to dance around in my room with my friend and just let loose this week. You haven't seen my dancing yet..trust me!

I am the kind of girl who cares a lot about people more that than may care about me. I miss having a tight knit group of friends. Friends that didn't have to question if they were or not. Here I can be surrounded by a group of people but feel completely alone. I guess my definition of a friend is completely different. As I laid in my bed a question came into my head. I always take care of people but who really takes care of me? My definition of a friend is how it is shown. Coming to talk or visit even it is for brief moments. Letting me know that they came to see me to make time for me. Like when my friend Kirstie who comes into my work and chats with me. Or simple a phone call when friendships are taken far away that we can talk for an hour or so and just laugh.

All in all I am tired and done feeling lost amongst the crowd and faded in the background. So when I move it will be a true test of character and friendship. Also Im sure there will be some other changes

Day 2:December 24

I set my alarm to wake me up early to surprise my Mom. I rolled out of bed excited and walked over to my Mom's room she was at the dresser and she looked at me and said "Brenna?" she had a stunned look on her face and than asked "Did you get here last night. Which I replied "Yeah I did." She than asked how I got here there. I said Joyce got me. She must have been tired because she said "That was nice of Joyce to come and get you." I laughed and I said "No Mom I flew in." She than called me a punk for tricking her and gave me a huge hug. After she went to work I went back to bed to catch up on some needed sleep. Later that day the family and I went to Temecula to my Aunt's for Christmas Eve dinner. It was good to be with family I haven't seen in awhile and to see my little cousins. Who want to know every detail of my college life. They are 13 so they are really into boy talk. I told them about my friends the snow and boys I have gone dates with. But told them no boy though. My cousin Morgan followed me around through out the night and danced to christmas songs. My littlest cousin James(he is 5) is so adorable and kept putting me in the naughty chair for being naughty. It was his new favorite game to make me sit and trap me on the chair.I enjoyed that night and spending time with people I love. I than went to my Dad's to surprise him. He was happy to see me and like my Mom thought I was a punk for not telling him.After some quality time with my Dad I went home to sleep.

Christmas day by day: Day 1

I wanted to keep up with my trip home. Seems lately I forget the small precious moments and focus of the things that are not worth time to focus on. So I want to write my vacation back home day by day.

Day 1 December 23,2009: Flying home

I got a last minute flight out to San Diego at 9:40 p.m it was more like 10:40 p.m. My flight got delayed due to technical difficulties. There was a fire light on that they could not figure out to fix. So they are to reboot the system turn the plane off three times. We sat in the fully packed plane for 40 minutes. Everyone was on edge and grumpy. The man next to me was upset because the car rental place would be closed by the time we touched down. The guy on my right was just tired and wanted to be home. I didn't tell my parents that I was flying down. I told them I was waiting for the snow storm to pass and that it was horrible to drive in. I told them the likely hood of me being there for Christmas looked slimmed. Little did they know I was in flight to see them. Joyce was in on my clever plan and picked me up from the airport. I was happy to see her! I think the friendships that are the best is that when you are miles away and when you see them again you pick up right where you left off. We got home and I put my hoodie on and got out of the car. I soon felt Jr. (the family dog) at my feet. I quickly turn to get my luggage and hear my little sister talking than say "Sister is that you?" than she runs and hugs me when she realizes Joyce is not my brother's girlfriend and that I was not Nik. She was so excited! We walked in trying to keep quiet I knew my mom was asleep. So we crept up the stairs and spent time with J.C. Jr. was quick to cuddle with me on the bed as we all chatted and danced around to Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" Around 2 a.m Joyce left and I retired to bed. I love sleeping in my old bed it is just home. I set my alarm to wake me up to surprise my Mom before she had to go to work.

Don't bottle me up

I realized how long it has been since my last blog. A lot has happened in my life. I am dealing with loss and reality. I tend to bottle my emotions up. Playing a facade that everything in my life is great. When there are cracks in my foundation that can soon show what is really going on in the inside. Two weeks ago I found out that the lady I work for has blood clots all up and down her leg. Her leg was swollen twice the size of her other leg. I was thinking she must of got bitten by a bug and had an allergic reaction. Nothing serious went through my head. Blood clots never crossed my mind. Her Mom sat me down in the morning to tell me of her daughters uncertain death. Saying it could be days,months and maybe a year before she will pass away. She informed me that I didn't have to work with her if I didn't want to. That the chocie was up to me. Just to know that she could pass in my care. I struggled with the idea for days. I already watched someone I love die and I didn't want to it again. As I was praying through out the week what I should do. I took part in her blessing. I sat and took every word spoken in. I couldn't help the tears that rolled down my face. I tried to stay strong for her Mom by wiping my tears quickly. I didn't fool her one bit when she handed me a tissue and the tears came again. The moment that struck me the most was when the Priesthood holder said "You will have the best care with when the time comes with people that love you." My heart raced and I knew I would be there for her on her last days. My calling now to her is to give her the best quality of life I could give. Keep her routine normal and maintain her happiness in the things she loves. They tell us not to get attached to the ones we work with. I couldn't help getting attached to her. She makes me smile and I love seeing her everyday. She is my friend and I know it will hurt when she leaves. I can't wait to meet with her again. As I face this heartache I began to reevaluate my major. I was going into film then realized my love for people and went to special education. Both I know I would love to do and be good at. I didn't want to deal with the heartbreaks of losing my students to untimely deaths. So I began to search my true passion! I went to see my Aunt's Band in Salt Lake the Crash Kings. I have always loved music. Ever since I was little girl I would find these unknown bands and make my family listen to them. Soon my friends would be introduced and felt accomplished when they soon became big. My Aunt has a record company in L.A. I talked to my Dad about an idea I had about moving to L.A and interning with my Aunt. Maybe finish school out there. So when I visit in December I am going to meet with her a discuss my ideas. So I might be moving to L.A in the summer.

The wall falls down

I am not one to open up easily. So once that wall comes down I feel completely vulnerable. This past month seems like a haze. I was in this conflicted state. Who is Brenna? I was figuring out my life trying to fit the pieces together. I work once a week doing graveyard shifts at a residential home. Basically it is just me and another co-worker. The shift is eight hours long so getting to know someone can come fairly easy. The guy that works with me tends to talk about relationship woes and for the first two weeks it seemed that was all that he could talk about. I was interested to hear his perspective and way of thinking. About a week ago we finished watching a scary movie when  all of sudden we began to talk about how to be better. He is kinda on the same boat as me. We need to change  focus on the Lord and being more obedient. We got into deep conversation and I felt safe talking to him about all my worries and what I have gone though. The conversation just flowed and I never once had to think of what I was saying. Usually when I like someone I hold back or I say what they want to hear. As the conversation ended we lay looking at each other when he says "How come I can be so honest with you." I shrugged and he than asked "Do you feel comfortable talking to me?' I replied with a yes and soon realized he saw me. That night was one of the most strange and wonderful nights. I was so easy to open up to him. The thing that caught me of guard was what he said about how he is so honest with me. We developed a friendship and I enjoy his company and look forward to the days we work together and the conversations we have. He is one of the few guys I feel completely comfortable around. No stress no worries just being me. He makes me feel safe and I am myself around him.

OFF

 Lately people have been asking why I seem  little off. I hate talking about things face to face. I tend to bottle things up inside that is my downfall. I let things bottle up and eat away until one day I break down. I am at a  weird point in my life. I am confused more than ever! Someone close to me tried to commit suicide someone I love so much. I am not a big fan of those who talk about suicide as a joke. I have two people in my life commit suicide. One a friend I had in middle school the other my Uncle. I have been so busy and stressed out and when I got a frantic phone call. The feeling didn't hit til later in the week. I guess I was in shock. I went through all kind of emotions sadness, angry,worry and confusion. I am 720 miles away from the person I love. What could I do to help them when I am so far away. No one is there to watch over them. I feel completely helpless. I needed people to be around me to feel some since of normalcy. To distract me from reality I guess. But I didn't...people are busy. My friends are few and have a lot going on. It is my fault for some of it because I hate asking for help or for understanding. I finally couldn't take it anymore and got in my car a fled to Vegas to meet up with a friend of mine.  I needed to get away I didn't want to be alone. I had fun. I lost myself for the weekend. Let nothing affect me. I guess it was another stupid plan to see if people would care where I was. Would they miss me when I was gone would they even know? Silly me...I am confused about my beliefs. How come when you join the Church you have all the friends in the world...years go on and they slowly disappear. Like I have said friendships are changing...I'm changing. I feel like part of me is living a lie while the other is trying to hold on to something they don't want to let go of. 

Clearing the Air

So I just wanted to say I am sorry sometimes my blogs don't come out the way I want them to and things can get taken out of context. My last blog was meant to say I was having a ruff time in life whither it was with family,friends,work and spirituality. I was trying to  say that I sometimes am self destructive of myself. Picking out all my faults rather than the qualities that I have. I was thankful for friends that I have had. The friends I know that will last. I know when I fight for a friendship it is because our friendship is so much more than a mere acquaintance or a faze. I have a particular friendship with someone that I know I will always be there for them. I hope to be apart of their life when I am old and gray! They are like family to me and it means so much to have them in my life. I am thankful to those who help me with out even knowing it. I am not the kind of person that is very good expressing their feelings openly. I try to keep things in and say I am o.k when I am not. I think that is my main pit fall. I am not perfect and sometimes not even the perfect friend. I am working so hard to be better with my friendships. Better with relationships in general. I need to work on myself as well. I am a work in progress. So I am sorry if I offended any of you. :(

Battling

I know lately some of you have seen me looking pretty down and not acting like myself. Some say that I am quite now. Well I think when it comes to my own personal battles I can only fight so long than I give up. July has been very unkind to me. Started off with dropping my sister off at the airport at 5a.m and coming out to my car and seeing that have a flat tire. I have been stressing a lot over money. My job has cut my hours and on top of that cut my pay as well due to the economy. I have bills and rent to pay leaving me little money to spend. As I waited for airport security to some and fill the air in my tires they informed me that it was a leak and that I would have to get a new tire. Well apparently you have to buy 2 tires in order to balance out your car so it will drive smooth and in the long run is better for your car. I had to come up with 400-500 dollars! I had no money like that in hand so I was driving on my spare until I was cleared for a credit card(which I try to avoid at all cost) in order to purchase the tires. I was waiting for my big pay check from working 5 days of 24 hour shifts only to find they paid me $262.52 and after I confronted them they said the state does day pay of $56.68(which I am battling). On the same day I received my paycheck I got a letter from the IRS  stating that I owe $633 dollars for apparently my job giving me advanced  tax pay in my paycheck that I never authorized but for some reason they put it in my paycheck. So I have to pay them! I am broke at the moment and now scheduling more hours working  graveyard shifts from 10p.m-6a.m  twice a week to add on to the hours I work with 2 other jobs. I felt all this month that life is hitting me and hitting me hard. I never had to deal with financial woes and fighting to keep afloat. I am just physically,emotionally and spiritually tired! I feel like my life amounts to nothing and I am nothing. Almost like my life is falling apart. I was depressed for the past week. I told my family how I felt and even close friends. But no one came over to visit or call to check on me. Til Friday when I went to a friend of a friend's bonfire. I tried to dance my worries away and it worked for awhile.I can only put a front on for so long.My friendships are suffering as I see my closets friends slipping away. Sunday I had to let out how I felt and my friend turned and made it more than what I was trying to say. Lets just say I left crying and still feel just as crummy as the week before.I truly am thankful for the friendships that I have had. I particular care about a friendship I have had for a long time. We have seen each other at our best and at our lows. I just hope they know that I will always be there for them even if life changes.I know we have been busy and we haven't had the friendship we used to. Just don't forget the ones that are there in the long run.I am trying to get my feet on the ground. I think when I finally take care of all this mess than I will see the light at the end. 

Proud

I have been needing to write a blog about the fourth of July. But haven't been able to sit down and really gather my thoughts in awhile. For the Fourth my sister and I woke up early to see the freedom parade. As we were walking around to find a seat we ran into my home teacher Owen. He asked if we would like to join them. I guess him along with others from the ward had camped out the night before. So my sister and I thanked him as we joined him for the parade. I had never been to any fourth of July celebration like the one held in Provo. As we watched floats,local dance teams,high school bands and characters go by we would sit quietly. But when the Vets went by we all stood up and cheered them on. I noticed myself get a little emotional. This  year my brother signed up to join the Navy. Along with two close friends of mine. Than anther one guy friend  joined the Marines. I began to think of the work they will be doing to secure our freedom. That my little brother is going to be gone for months to not only follow in both of my Grandfathers footsteps but to serve his country. He is not one of those bitter I have to join men. He volunteered to join and has a desire to serve. Growing up I only knew of my Grandfathers joining after seeing their pictures. As the Vets passed by I was so thankful to them. There is a lot of ugly in war. I watched a series from those fighting in Iraq and listening to the pain they go through. The media only shows one side of the story. I believe if you want to know the truth you go to the source. Just listening to strong men break down in their interviews really touched me that this is real. Then as my sister and I attended the Stadium of Fire we saw all the military families sitting on the field. Shedaisy came out and sang a song called "Come Home Soon." My mom told me it is one of her favorite songs. I thought it was just another sappy love song. As I listened it was not a sappy love song but was about the families and spouses of the military waiting for loved ones to return home safely. Once again my eyes began to tear and I had to fight them back. The realization hit me of my brother and friends leaving to go fight. I am very proud of them. :)

Why so quick to judge?

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I am at a very confusing point in my life. My trip back home has made me open my eyes. I love my family so much. They are not LDS and I love them just the way they are. I had someone who I thought was open enough not to be judgemental come back with me. I warned them that my family drinks and some of them even smoke. I told them that my younger brother has a typical boy sense of humor. They said that they have been around people like that before and that they would be fine. However they were not. I could tell by their silence and their facial expressions. I asked them if they were o.k and they would nod their head yes or say "Yeah everything is o.k." I am not stupid I know when people are upset. Later in the car ride home they opened up and said they were offended by what one of my family members said. I asked them what they said and they continued to say it didn't matter,but it did. The rest of the trip they just kept quiet and it made me super stressed. Also when I went to hang out with Cory. They were quick to judge again. Cory and I have been friends in high school. We lost contact with each other for 8 years so we were happy to catch up. He was respectful to me for being Mormon and was very polite to my friend. Cory is friendly and wrapped his arm around me and friend and they had this look like get off me. They latter said they don't like people touching them. I was getting fed up. First my family than my friend. When I got back to Utah just seemed like the judgements of others came again when my sister came to visit. I know my sister can be a little annoying what do expect from a 13 year old? But don't roll your eyes at her. I think that by this blog I want to say is that I am confused. Why do I want to be apart of a church that is so judgemental towards others of a different faith or just different in general. I don't know if I want to stay here in Utah anymore and if I move home most likely I will not be Mormon. Maybe my Mom was right. I am just torn I believe in the church just not the people. I feel utterly alone here. How am I supposed to find a mormon guy who will accept my family let alone friends?The only friend I have here is Rosalinda and she is also the only one that is o.k with my family.They love her. I am just so confused..my heart is torn. 

If You Care To Read

I know in my blogs it seems like I complain a lot. I am sorry but I guess life is stressful sometimes and I vent on a blog. Kinda silly huh. Well this one is more like another little release. Considering at the moment I have no one to really talk. I mentioned in a previous blog that my Dad has congestive heart failure. A last week he called to check up on  me. Halfway through the conversation he asked me to keep a secret. I told him it depended on the situation if I could. He told me he stopped taking his medications that he is just going to let his heart get worse in order to speed up his heart transplant chances. I told him that the he was being selfish. That he didn't consider his family in his decision. I was so upset that after we hung up. I debated for awhile if I should tell my brothers. The bad thing is that I didn't. Now tonight my Dad is in the hospital. He sounds horrible. The doctors told him today that his heart is weaker and is failing. I asked him if he told the Doctors that he wasn't taking his medication.Of course he didn't so I am telling my brothers so they can speak to them.I guess being up here in Utah took me from the reality of my Dad's condition. I don't want to lose my Dad.I have had plenty of scares with my Dad's health. I guess I am scared that one of these times it will be the last one. 

Blast From The Past

This past month has been a ruff one. This pass weekend not that good either. When I was a little I had really bad allergies that would make my eyes swell and sometimes swell shut. I would be very uncomfortable and breathing was not easy. For almost 10 years my allergy symptoms were not as bad and for the past three years I haven't had to take medicine. Not anymore! I finally cracked and purchased medicine. It helped but I still wake up every morning at 6:10 a.m and start sneezing. I felt groggy at work that burnt myself. Than Saturday night my eyes swelled up.My Mom asked what I was taking and I told it is the medicine that my doctor gave me that worked well. My Dad has allergies like I do and told me to take another medicine. I am just hoping that they will die down soon. That for now I have to stay indoors for awhile because I am allergic to Pollen. It is killing me because I want to go biking! Anyways on a more of a happier note. I am going back home at the end of this month to be with family. I am actually looking forward to getting away from Provo because I need a break. Shannon is going down with me and we are planning to go to seaworld which is exciting I have not been there since 8th grade. My Mom is way cute she told me that the other guest room has a bed in it and that it is my old bed. I was so happy because I miss my old bed. We than began to talk about how things are going. I told her its been ruff but I making more friends in my apartment and that things are settling down. She than asked me if I remembered a guy named Corey from high school. My mom was a mentor in a way to him. He went through a lot growing up. I told her "Yeah I do." "What happened to him?" (We used to be good friends and than out of nowhere he was gone) She told me he changed schools and that he was my little brother's Navy recruiter. That he stopped by to say hello to her and they talked for about 40 minutes and that he asked about me. She filled him in on where I was living and what I was doing up here. He than asked her "Is she still as beautiful as I remember?" of course my Mom said yes. Which is kinda embarrassing because I am nothing like I was in high school. He told my Mom to tell me that when I get down there he is taking me out. I am kinda excited to catch up with him. Weird how things happen.

Becoming Heartless

This past week has been one crazy roller coaster ride of emotions. I am glad that a new week has arrived. You may wonder why the name of my blog is becoming heartless. Well that is because I am beginning to lose myself in the demands of appearance to the worldly things in life. I used to say to myself I am beautiful...I am strong! I can overcome this, but every time I do it is like another slap in the face when I seem to go on in life rendered dateless. So I came up with this mission for myself...I went and bought a bike 2 weeks ago and have been biking all through Provo and preventing myself from having too much down time. Hopefully from this goal I will feel better of myself and well... look better. So when I do I can go to all those people that blindsided me and laugh in their face(Not really). Hence the idea of being heartless...I am sick of being the nice girl the girl that is faded into the background. I want to be the one that everyones eyes go to and see the foreground. So forgive me I guess if I have become someone you are not used to. Maybe it is for the good because it seemed like who I was never got me anywhere. 

Road T rip I will never forget!

Almost two weeks ago I went with some friends(Shannon/Scott and Alyse) on a road trip up to Idaho to see Death Cab For Cutie (One of my all time favorites). As we were driving up I couldn't help but think this is something in my life that I will have to right about. This to me was an adventure. I have never been to Idaho and I all I remember is doing a fifth grade project on it. I was so upset because I had to do my state project on a state that was boring. I was still right 10 years from now. Idaho to me was just an addition to Utah. We stopped for gas in in Eden and Shannon and I had fun looking at all the weird stuff. Also the whole "Garden of Eden" get up they had for their lunch area. When we finally got to our destination I was super excited and also excited for Shannon because it was her first concert. Which was a good first concert because they were amazing. I hate when you go to see an artist that you really like and they sound nothing like their CD in a bad way. Death Cab for Cutie is a band I would pay over and over to see. I was not a huge fan of their last CD but it's growing on me. I have pictures from our adventure. :)

A Chapter of my life

I never like letting people in. I usually just  keep parts of my life simple...private. Earlier this past month I got a scare from my father when he called me during work. He sounded down and scared. I was thrown off my his voice and asked what is wrong. My Dad was diagnosed with congestive heart failure about 4 years ago. It has been a roller coaster ride. He is on the heart transplant list and is still waiting for a heart. If you want a glimpse of what my Dad has you can watch "Seven Pounds" the character played by Rosario Dawson's has what my Dad has. I saw that movie and fought to hold back tears. My Dad is in and out of the hospital all the time. He at least goes once or twice a month. He was in the hospital this past month going through another procedure to see if he gets a couple of more days. When he called he was worried. I can hear the crying in his voice as he told me he was scared. That he feels like this is it. That he loved me and that he was sorry for this past year. Last year was a hard year for our relationship as father and daughter.Growing up I was always close to my Dad and when my parents spilt when I was five I always tried to make up lost time when ever I saw him. My Dad over the past 2 years has had a girlfriend that has been nothing but rude,manipulative and just down right hurtful to me. This has caused a strain on me and my Dad's relationship. He made his choice one day when he decided to lie to me about prior a engagement we had together. She made him choose who he wanted to spend time with and chose her. The past year we have fought and lost touch with each other.I will always have a place in my heart for my Father and letting go of someone is hard for me. Forgiving him for this past year and all the pain he caused me was hard. When he apologized I began crying. I told him that it is o.k. and that I love him. I am going home for Easter weekend and I am excited to hug my Dad and spend time with him. I know that these moments will be only a few. I can see and tell that my Dad's health is fading. The outlook of him receiving a heart transplant seems slim because he is a 2A. 

Every song ends but is that any reason not to enjoy the music?

I started a blog a long time ago about how you can tell a lot about someone from what is on their i-pod. Well I decided to talk about that. My I-pod is really random. You get a lot of different blends of music. For example Flo Rida to Andre Rieu or MOTAB to Death Cab for Cutie. One day last semester I was with my friend. When he grabbed my I-Pod and began to scroll through it. He laughed and I asked "What is so funny." He wouldn't tell me, but i bet it was some of my song choices that surprised him. I usually download my song choices by mood. Like if I am happy you got upbeat dance music or feel good music like Lady Gaga or Shiny Toy Guns. Angry you get some Linkin Park or girl power music of Beyonce. Sad well that is when death cab for cutie comes in or some coldplay. When I was driving ealrier today. I decided to turn my I-pod to a song called "Title and Registration." My wipers went with the beat of the music. I began to look around me and see the cars passing and the background of the snowy mountains. I used to take my I-pod back home to my favorite spot and would go for a walk. As I was walking along I began to notice my surroundings. People running their stresses away. Couples holding hands. Kids running around as their parents chased them. Felt like I was watching a video...the soundtrack of life as I call it. Another thing I like to do and some people may find it silly, but I like to play music and lay on my bed close my eyes and see the video that plays out in my head. Like if I was directing a music video to this song how would I envision it. Another thing I would do as I would lay there is I would think about my life past recent or future. See how my life would be interpreted to this song.  I used to think that you could tell a lot about someone from their music selection, but I have come to realize that you really can't. Like how they say don't judge a book by its cover. Well I would say you can't judge an I-Pod by Artist selection. Haha I know that was Lame :)

A weekend getaway

This past weekend my older brother came up to visit me. I was really excited. Like you may have heard me say that I thought he was the last person to ever visit me. I am the only Mormon member in my family. My older brother was very against me joining the church. For a long time he would make fun of Mormons and say really hurtful things to me regarding my decision. After a few years went by he began to realize like most of my family the only thing that changed about me was that I had different faith. I was still the goofy old Brenna. When he called me back in January to tell me he was coming up he seemed really excited and so was I. This past weekend we went to Snowbasin and went snowboarding and Skiing. For the first half of the day we got to talk and hang out while we were on the lifts. He asked me the typical big brother question like am I happy here and am I seeing someone. I told him that I am happy here and that I like being n my own. I also informed him that I was not dating anybody. He seemed to not believe me. He told me that my mom said that I have been hanging out with a guy. I told him I hang out with a lot of guys. He than said well when you do I would like to meet him. I guess this goes back to the time when I changed my myspace status to "in a relationship" and that was before I left to Utah 3 summers ago. He called me all upset that he did not know I was dating. I told him I did that just for kicks and that I was not seeing anyone. Once again he didn't believe me. I guess he still is not over that. Anyways we had a good time going down the slopes. I only fell once and it hurt pretty bad. A guy coming down had to help me pop my skis off because they were crossed and stuck funny. My brother's girlfriend came up with him as well. It was her first time out she had never snowboarded before and after he lesson my brother pushed he to go on the slope that I had fell on. It was pretty scary there were a couple of parts that allowed no room for error. She was so scared and fell many times coming down she got halfway down and broke down. I felt bad for her and my brother should not have taken her because this is all new to her. But he is very stubborn and does what he wants. So halfway down the slope I had to deal with them fighting and arguing. After we were done we were all extremely tired. We cleaned up and went to take naps! When I got up my knee was in pain going up and down the stairs of the condo was very hard. My brother felt bad about what happened so he decided to treat the girls and made us dinner and watched movies. Than Sunday we went into Salt Lake City and went around Temple square. My brother's girlfriend dated a Mormon guy and knew a lot about the temple and church stuff. My brother to my surprise asked a lot of questions about the church. Like what was the conference center for and why do have General Conferences. Felt good to teach him about my faith and for him to want to listen! I did not want to leave that night but as I drove them back to the condo I felt an overwhelming sadness. I had a piece of home with me and I wished I could always have that. My brother fell in love with the natural beauty of Utah and said he would be back in the summer to go mountain biking and this time he wants to stay somewhere close to me so he can see my friends and where I live. We even agreed that the whole family should come up in the winter for a trip. My sister is going to come up to visit me. She is really excited! I can't wait to have her here and to show her around as well. I am glad that I am able to share with my family a piece of me and to teach them more about my faith. I will post pictures from the weekend once I get them from Katie. :)