Battling

I know lately some of you have seen me looking pretty down and not acting like myself. Some say that I am quite now. Well I think when it comes to my own personal battles I can only fight so long than I give up. July has been very unkind to me. Started off with dropping my sister off at the airport at 5a.m and coming out to my car and seeing that have a flat tire. I have been stressing a lot over money. My job has cut my hours and on top of that cut my pay as well due to the economy. I have bills and rent to pay leaving me little money to spend. As I waited for airport security to some and fill the air in my tires they informed me that it was a leak and that I would have to get a new tire. Well apparently you have to buy 2 tires in order to balance out your car so it will drive smooth and in the long run is better for your car. I had to come up with 400-500 dollars! I had no money like that in hand so I was driving on my spare until I was cleared for a credit card(which I try to avoid at all cost) in order to purchase the tires. I was waiting for my big pay check from working 5 days of 24 hour shifts only to find they paid me $262.52 and after I confronted them they said the state does day pay of $56.68(which I am battling). On the same day I received my paycheck I got a letter from the IRS  stating that I owe $633 dollars for apparently my job giving me advanced  tax pay in my paycheck that I never authorized but for some reason they put it in my paycheck. So I have to pay them! I am broke at the moment and now scheduling more hours working  graveyard shifts from 10p.m-6a.m  twice a week to add on to the hours I work with 2 other jobs. I felt all this month that life is hitting me and hitting me hard. I never had to deal with financial woes and fighting to keep afloat. I am just physically,emotionally and spiritually tired! I feel like my life amounts to nothing and I am nothing. Almost like my life is falling apart. I was depressed for the past week. I told my family how I felt and even close friends. But no one came over to visit or call to check on me. Til Friday when I went to a friend of a friend's bonfire. I tried to dance my worries away and it worked for awhile.I can only put a front on for so long.My friendships are suffering as I see my closets friends slipping away. Sunday I had to let out how I felt and my friend turned and made it more than what I was trying to say. Lets just say I left crying and still feel just as crummy as the week before.I truly am thankful for the friendships that I have had. I particular care about a friendship I have had for a long time. We have seen each other at our best and at our lows. I just hope they know that I will always be there for them even if life changes.I know we have been busy and we haven't had the friendship we used to. Just don't forget the ones that are there in the long run.I am trying to get my feet on the ground. I think when I finally take care of all this mess than I will see the light at the end. 

Proud

I have been needing to write a blog about the fourth of July. But haven't been able to sit down and really gather my thoughts in awhile. For the Fourth my sister and I woke up early to see the freedom parade. As we were walking around to find a seat we ran into my home teacher Owen. He asked if we would like to join them. I guess him along with others from the ward had camped out the night before. So my sister and I thanked him as we joined him for the parade. I had never been to any fourth of July celebration like the one held in Provo. As we watched floats,local dance teams,high school bands and characters go by we would sit quietly. But when the Vets went by we all stood up and cheered them on. I noticed myself get a little emotional. This  year my brother signed up to join the Navy. Along with two close friends of mine. Than anther one guy friend  joined the Marines. I began to think of the work they will be doing to secure our freedom. That my little brother is going to be gone for months to not only follow in both of my Grandfathers footsteps but to serve his country. He is not one of those bitter I have to join men. He volunteered to join and has a desire to serve. Growing up I only knew of my Grandfathers joining after seeing their pictures. As the Vets passed by I was so thankful to them. There is a lot of ugly in war. I watched a series from those fighting in Iraq and listening to the pain they go through. The media only shows one side of the story. I believe if you want to know the truth you go to the source. Just listening to strong men break down in their interviews really touched me that this is real. Then as my sister and I attended the Stadium of Fire we saw all the military families sitting on the field. Shedaisy came out and sang a song called "Come Home Soon." My mom told me it is one of her favorite songs. I thought it was just another sappy love song. As I listened it was not a sappy love song but was about the families and spouses of the military waiting for loved ones to return home safely. Once again my eyes began to tear and I had to fight them back. The realization hit me of my brother and friends leaving to go fight. I am very proud of them. :)

Why so quick to judge?

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I am at a very confusing point in my life. My trip back home has made me open my eyes. I love my family so much. They are not LDS and I love them just the way they are. I had someone who I thought was open enough not to be judgemental come back with me. I warned them that my family drinks and some of them even smoke. I told them that my younger brother has a typical boy sense of humor. They said that they have been around people like that before and that they would be fine. However they were not. I could tell by their silence and their facial expressions. I asked them if they were o.k and they would nod their head yes or say "Yeah everything is o.k." I am not stupid I know when people are upset. Later in the car ride home they opened up and said they were offended by what one of my family members said. I asked them what they said and they continued to say it didn't matter,but it did. The rest of the trip they just kept quiet and it made me super stressed. Also when I went to hang out with Cory. They were quick to judge again. Cory and I have been friends in high school. We lost contact with each other for 8 years so we were happy to catch up. He was respectful to me for being Mormon and was very polite to my friend. Cory is friendly and wrapped his arm around me and friend and they had this look like get off me. They latter said they don't like people touching them. I was getting fed up. First my family than my friend. When I got back to Utah just seemed like the judgements of others came again when my sister came to visit. I know my sister can be a little annoying what do expect from a 13 year old? But don't roll your eyes at her. I think that by this blog I want to say is that I am confused. Why do I want to be apart of a church that is so judgemental towards others of a different faith or just different in general. I don't know if I want to stay here in Utah anymore and if I move home most likely I will not be Mormon. Maybe my Mom was right. I am just torn I believe in the church just not the people. I feel utterly alone here. How am I supposed to find a mormon guy who will accept my family let alone friends?The only friend I have here is Rosalinda and she is also the only one that is o.k with my family.They love her. I am just so confused..my heart is torn. 

If You Care To Read

I know in my blogs it seems like I complain a lot. I am sorry but I guess life is stressful sometimes and I vent on a blog. Kinda silly huh. Well this one is more like another little release. Considering at the moment I have no one to really talk. I mentioned in a previous blog that my Dad has congestive heart failure. A last week he called to check up on  me. Halfway through the conversation he asked me to keep a secret. I told him it depended on the situation if I could. He told me he stopped taking his medications that he is just going to let his heart get worse in order to speed up his heart transplant chances. I told him that the he was being selfish. That he didn't consider his family in his decision. I was so upset that after we hung up. I debated for awhile if I should tell my brothers. The bad thing is that I didn't. Now tonight my Dad is in the hospital. He sounds horrible. The doctors told him today that his heart is weaker and is failing. I asked him if he told the Doctors that he wasn't taking his medication.Of course he didn't so I am telling my brothers so they can speak to them.I guess being up here in Utah took me from the reality of my Dad's condition. I don't want to lose my Dad.I have had plenty of scares with my Dad's health. I guess I am scared that one of these times it will be the last one. 

Blast From The Past

This past month has been a ruff one. This pass weekend not that good either. When I was a little I had really bad allergies that would make my eyes swell and sometimes swell shut. I would be very uncomfortable and breathing was not easy. For almost 10 years my allergy symptoms were not as bad and for the past three years I haven't had to take medicine. Not anymore! I finally cracked and purchased medicine. It helped but I still wake up every morning at 6:10 a.m and start sneezing. I felt groggy at work that burnt myself. Than Saturday night my eyes swelled up.My Mom asked what I was taking and I told it is the medicine that my doctor gave me that worked well. My Dad has allergies like I do and told me to take another medicine. I am just hoping that they will die down soon. That for now I have to stay indoors for awhile because I am allergic to Pollen. It is killing me because I want to go biking! Anyways on a more of a happier note. I am going back home at the end of this month to be with family. I am actually looking forward to getting away from Provo because I need a break. Shannon is going down with me and we are planning to go to seaworld which is exciting I have not been there since 8th grade. My Mom is way cute she told me that the other guest room has a bed in it and that it is my old bed. I was so happy because I miss my old bed. We than began to talk about how things are going. I told her its been ruff but I making more friends in my apartment and that things are settling down. She than asked me if I remembered a guy named Corey from high school. My mom was a mentor in a way to him. He went through a lot growing up. I told her "Yeah I do." "What happened to him?" (We used to be good friends and than out of nowhere he was gone) She told me he changed schools and that he was my little brother's Navy recruiter. That he stopped by to say hello to her and they talked for about 40 minutes and that he asked about me. She filled him in on where I was living and what I was doing up here. He than asked her "Is she still as beautiful as I remember?" of course my Mom said yes. Which is kinda embarrassing because I am nothing like I was in high school. He told my Mom to tell me that when I get down there he is taking me out. I am kinda excited to catch up with him. Weird how things happen.

Becoming Heartless

This past week has been one crazy roller coaster ride of emotions. I am glad that a new week has arrived. You may wonder why the name of my blog is becoming heartless. Well that is because I am beginning to lose myself in the demands of appearance to the worldly things in life. I used to say to myself I am beautiful...I am strong! I can overcome this, but every time I do it is like another slap in the face when I seem to go on in life rendered dateless. So I came up with this mission for myself...I went and bought a bike 2 weeks ago and have been biking all through Provo and preventing myself from having too much down time. Hopefully from this goal I will feel better of myself and well... look better. So when I do I can go to all those people that blindsided me and laugh in their face(Not really). Hence the idea of being heartless...I am sick of being the nice girl the girl that is faded into the background. I want to be the one that everyones eyes go to and see the foreground. So forgive me I guess if I have become someone you are not used to. Maybe it is for the good because it seemed like who I was never got me anywhere. 

Road T rip I will never forget!

Almost two weeks ago I went with some friends(Shannon/Scott and Alyse) on a road trip up to Idaho to see Death Cab For Cutie (One of my all time favorites). As we were driving up I couldn't help but think this is something in my life that I will have to right about. This to me was an adventure. I have never been to Idaho and I all I remember is doing a fifth grade project on it. I was so upset because I had to do my state project on a state that was boring. I was still right 10 years from now. Idaho to me was just an addition to Utah. We stopped for gas in in Eden and Shannon and I had fun looking at all the weird stuff. Also the whole "Garden of Eden" get up they had for their lunch area. When we finally got to our destination I was super excited and also excited for Shannon because it was her first concert. Which was a good first concert because they were amazing. I hate when you go to see an artist that you really like and they sound nothing like their CD in a bad way. Death Cab for Cutie is a band I would pay over and over to see. I was not a huge fan of their last CD but it's growing on me. I have pictures from our adventure. :)