Don't bottle me up

I realized how long it has been since my last blog. A lot has happened in my life. I am dealing with loss and reality. I tend to bottle my emotions up. Playing a facade that everything in my life is great. When there are cracks in my foundation that can soon show what is really going on in the inside. Two weeks ago I found out that the lady I work for has blood clots all up and down her leg. Her leg was swollen twice the size of her other leg. I was thinking she must of got bitten by a bug and had an allergic reaction. Nothing serious went through my head. Blood clots never crossed my mind. Her Mom sat me down in the morning to tell me of her daughters uncertain death. Saying it could be days,months and maybe a year before she will pass away. She informed me that I didn't have to work with her if I didn't want to. That the chocie was up to me. Just to know that she could pass in my care. I struggled with the idea for days. I already watched someone I love die and I didn't want to it again. As I was praying through out the week what I should do. I took part in her blessing. I sat and took every word spoken in. I couldn't help the tears that rolled down my face. I tried to stay strong for her Mom by wiping my tears quickly. I didn't fool her one bit when she handed me a tissue and the tears came again. The moment that struck me the most was when the Priesthood holder said "You will have the best care with when the time comes with people that love you." My heart raced and I knew I would be there for her on her last days. My calling now to her is to give her the best quality of life I could give. Keep her routine normal and maintain her happiness in the things she loves. They tell us not to get attached to the ones we work with. I couldn't help getting attached to her. She makes me smile and I love seeing her everyday. She is my friend and I know it will hurt when she leaves. I can't wait to meet with her again. As I face this heartache I began to reevaluate my major. I was going into film then realized my love for people and went to special education. Both I know I would love to do and be good at. I didn't want to deal with the heartbreaks of losing my students to untimely deaths. So I began to search my true passion! I went to see my Aunt's Band in Salt Lake the Crash Kings. I have always loved music. Ever since I was little girl I would find these unknown bands and make my family listen to them. Soon my friends would be introduced and felt accomplished when they soon became big. My Aunt has a record company in L.A. I talked to my Dad about an idea I had about moving to L.A and interning with my Aunt. Maybe finish school out there. So when I visit in December I am going to meet with her a discuss my ideas. So I might be moving to L.A in the summer.

The wall falls down

I am not one to open up easily. So once that wall comes down I feel completely vulnerable. This past month seems like a haze. I was in this conflicted state. Who is Brenna? I was figuring out my life trying to fit the pieces together. I work once a week doing graveyard shifts at a residential home. Basically it is just me and another co-worker. The shift is eight hours long so getting to know someone can come fairly easy. The guy that works with me tends to talk about relationship woes and for the first two weeks it seemed that was all that he could talk about. I was interested to hear his perspective and way of thinking. About a week ago we finished watching a scary movie when  all of sudden we began to talk about how to be better. He is kinda on the same boat as me. We need to change  focus on the Lord and being more obedient. We got into deep conversation and I felt safe talking to him about all my worries and what I have gone though. The conversation just flowed and I never once had to think of what I was saying. Usually when I like someone I hold back or I say what they want to hear. As the conversation ended we lay looking at each other when he says "How come I can be so honest with you." I shrugged and he than asked "Do you feel comfortable talking to me?' I replied with a yes and soon realized he saw me. That night was one of the most strange and wonderful nights. I was so easy to open up to him. The thing that caught me of guard was what he said about how he is so honest with me. We developed a friendship and I enjoy his company and look forward to the days we work together and the conversations we have. He is one of the few guys I feel completely comfortable around. No stress no worries just being me. He makes me feel safe and I am myself around him.

OFF

 Lately people have been asking why I seem  little off. I hate talking about things face to face. I tend to bottle things up inside that is my downfall. I let things bottle up and eat away until one day I break down. I am at a  weird point in my life. I am confused more than ever! Someone close to me tried to commit suicide someone I love so much. I am not a big fan of those who talk about suicide as a joke. I have two people in my life commit suicide. One a friend I had in middle school the other my Uncle. I have been so busy and stressed out and when I got a frantic phone call. The feeling didn't hit til later in the week. I guess I was in shock. I went through all kind of emotions sadness, angry,worry and confusion. I am 720 miles away from the person I love. What could I do to help them when I am so far away. No one is there to watch over them. I feel completely helpless. I needed people to be around me to feel some since of normalcy. To distract me from reality I guess. But I didn't...people are busy. My friends are few and have a lot going on. It is my fault for some of it because I hate asking for help or for understanding. I finally couldn't take it anymore and got in my car a fled to Vegas to meet up with a friend of mine.  I needed to get away I didn't want to be alone. I had fun. I lost myself for the weekend. Let nothing affect me. I guess it was another stupid plan to see if people would care where I was. Would they miss me when I was gone would they even know? Silly me...I am confused about my beliefs. How come when you join the Church you have all the friends in the world...years go on and they slowly disappear. Like I have said friendships are changing...I'm changing. I feel like part of me is living a lie while the other is trying to hold on to something they don't want to let go of. 

Clearing the Air

So I just wanted to say I am sorry sometimes my blogs don't come out the way I want them to and things can get taken out of context. My last blog was meant to say I was having a ruff time in life whither it was with family,friends,work and spirituality. I was trying to  say that I sometimes am self destructive of myself. Picking out all my faults rather than the qualities that I have. I was thankful for friends that I have had. The friends I know that will last. I know when I fight for a friendship it is because our friendship is so much more than a mere acquaintance or a faze. I have a particular friendship with someone that I know I will always be there for them. I hope to be apart of their life when I am old and gray! They are like family to me and it means so much to have them in my life. I am thankful to those who help me with out even knowing it. I am not the kind of person that is very good expressing their feelings openly. I try to keep things in and say I am o.k when I am not. I think that is my main pit fall. I am not perfect and sometimes not even the perfect friend. I am working so hard to be better with my friendships. Better with relationships in general. I need to work on myself as well. I am a work in progress. So I am sorry if I offended any of you. :(

Battling

I know lately some of you have seen me looking pretty down and not acting like myself. Some say that I am quite now. Well I think when it comes to my own personal battles I can only fight so long than I give up. July has been very unkind to me. Started off with dropping my sister off at the airport at 5a.m and coming out to my car and seeing that have a flat tire. I have been stressing a lot over money. My job has cut my hours and on top of that cut my pay as well due to the economy. I have bills and rent to pay leaving me little money to spend. As I waited for airport security to some and fill the air in my tires they informed me that it was a leak and that I would have to get a new tire. Well apparently you have to buy 2 tires in order to balance out your car so it will drive smooth and in the long run is better for your car. I had to come up with 400-500 dollars! I had no money like that in hand so I was driving on my spare until I was cleared for a credit card(which I try to avoid at all cost) in order to purchase the tires. I was waiting for my big pay check from working 5 days of 24 hour shifts only to find they paid me $262.52 and after I confronted them they said the state does day pay of $56.68(which I am battling). On the same day I received my paycheck I got a letter from the IRS  stating that I owe $633 dollars for apparently my job giving me advanced  tax pay in my paycheck that I never authorized but for some reason they put it in my paycheck. So I have to pay them! I am broke at the moment and now scheduling more hours working  graveyard shifts from 10p.m-6a.m  twice a week to add on to the hours I work with 2 other jobs. I felt all this month that life is hitting me and hitting me hard. I never had to deal with financial woes and fighting to keep afloat. I am just physically,emotionally and spiritually tired! I feel like my life amounts to nothing and I am nothing. Almost like my life is falling apart. I was depressed for the past week. I told my family how I felt and even close friends. But no one came over to visit or call to check on me. Til Friday when I went to a friend of a friend's bonfire. I tried to dance my worries away and it worked for awhile.I can only put a front on for so long.My friendships are suffering as I see my closets friends slipping away. Sunday I had to let out how I felt and my friend turned and made it more than what I was trying to say. Lets just say I left crying and still feel just as crummy as the week before.I truly am thankful for the friendships that I have had. I particular care about a friendship I have had for a long time. We have seen each other at our best and at our lows. I just hope they know that I will always be there for them even if life changes.I know we have been busy and we haven't had the friendship we used to. Just don't forget the ones that are there in the long run.I am trying to get my feet on the ground. I think when I finally take care of all this mess than I will see the light at the end. 

Proud

I have been needing to write a blog about the fourth of July. But haven't been able to sit down and really gather my thoughts in awhile. For the Fourth my sister and I woke up early to see the freedom parade. As we were walking around to find a seat we ran into my home teacher Owen. He asked if we would like to join them. I guess him along with others from the ward had camped out the night before. So my sister and I thanked him as we joined him for the parade. I had never been to any fourth of July celebration like the one held in Provo. As we watched floats,local dance teams,high school bands and characters go by we would sit quietly. But when the Vets went by we all stood up and cheered them on. I noticed myself get a little emotional. This  year my brother signed up to join the Navy. Along with two close friends of mine. Than anther one guy friend  joined the Marines. I began to think of the work they will be doing to secure our freedom. That my little brother is going to be gone for months to not only follow in both of my Grandfathers footsteps but to serve his country. He is not one of those bitter I have to join men. He volunteered to join and has a desire to serve. Growing up I only knew of my Grandfathers joining after seeing their pictures. As the Vets passed by I was so thankful to them. There is a lot of ugly in war. I watched a series from those fighting in Iraq and listening to the pain they go through. The media only shows one side of the story. I believe if you want to know the truth you go to the source. Just listening to strong men break down in their interviews really touched me that this is real. Then as my sister and I attended the Stadium of Fire we saw all the military families sitting on the field. Shedaisy came out and sang a song called "Come Home Soon." My mom told me it is one of her favorite songs. I thought it was just another sappy love song. As I listened it was not a sappy love song but was about the families and spouses of the military waiting for loved ones to return home safely. Once again my eyes began to tear and I had to fight them back. The realization hit me of my brother and friends leaving to go fight. I am very proud of them. :)

Why so quick to judge?

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I am at a very confusing point in my life. My trip back home has made me open my eyes. I love my family so much. They are not LDS and I love them just the way they are. I had someone who I thought was open enough not to be judgemental come back with me. I warned them that my family drinks and some of them even smoke. I told them that my younger brother has a typical boy sense of humor. They said that they have been around people like that before and that they would be fine. However they were not. I could tell by their silence and their facial expressions. I asked them if they were o.k and they would nod their head yes or say "Yeah everything is o.k." I am not stupid I know when people are upset. Later in the car ride home they opened up and said they were offended by what one of my family members said. I asked them what they said and they continued to say it didn't matter,but it did. The rest of the trip they just kept quiet and it made me super stressed. Also when I went to hang out with Cory. They were quick to judge again. Cory and I have been friends in high school. We lost contact with each other for 8 years so we were happy to catch up. He was respectful to me for being Mormon and was very polite to my friend. Cory is friendly and wrapped his arm around me and friend and they had this look like get off me. They latter said they don't like people touching them. I was getting fed up. First my family than my friend. When I got back to Utah just seemed like the judgements of others came again when my sister came to visit. I know my sister can be a little annoying what do expect from a 13 year old? But don't roll your eyes at her. I think that by this blog I want to say is that I am confused. Why do I want to be apart of a church that is so judgemental towards others of a different faith or just different in general. I don't know if I want to stay here in Utah anymore and if I move home most likely I will not be Mormon. Maybe my Mom was right. I am just torn I believe in the church just not the people. I feel utterly alone here. How am I supposed to find a mormon guy who will accept my family let alone friends?The only friend I have here is Rosalinda and she is also the only one that is o.k with my family.They love her. I am just so confused..my heart is torn.