Friday, May 7, 2010

MY life chapter 2

The years of 1992 and 1993 were ruff. During 3rd grade my brother and I were bike riding at Rick's Mother's home. My brother Dustyn built a little ramp made out of a thin piece of sheeted wood and brick. I watched him go up and down and I too wanted to do the same thing. I went over the first time with ease and decided to do that again. But this time with more speed. I hit the ramp swerving than hit a left over brick in the road and fell hard onto my right arm. Rick's Mother wrapped my arm in a self made sling out of a towel linen. I was tired from the ordeal and remembered falling asleep and waking up in pain as I realized was laying on my hurt arm. My Mom took me to urgent care where I found out I had sprained my elbow and wrist. I was placed in a sling and wrapped in ace bandages with a splint. I went to school and struggled writing. I was embarrassed by my poor penmen ship and some kids in class made fun of it. My teacher recognized it and had the entire class write with the opposite hand that they were familiar with. I was in shock and felt a hint of happiness for what she did. My fellow classmates were more aware of my struggle and did not tease me anymore. Late that year I was pulled out of class as my Mom gave me the news of my Grandma being ill. My brothers and I were taken to the hospital and I still see the hospital layout. My Grandma in bed as we too climbed in to lay with her. Her faint voice but always a hint of laughter. I remember waiting in a huge waiting room coloring in my "Little Mermaid" coloring book. My family spent many days there. My Mom's friend Paul came by to take us out to dinner to allow my Mom a break. Paul took us to Taco Bell one of our favorites when I was younger. We were laughing and having a good time when Paul picked up the phone. He rushed us home to my crying Mother and she hugged us telling us of her Grandma's passing. I could not imagine what she went through to tell her Children of death and loss for the first. I did not finish my 3rd grade year but was excused by my academics and grievance. That summer I had to say good bye to my friend and my Grandma. Someone I still miss to this day. Rick was kind to us with my Grandma's passing. Playing with the vulnerability we were facing. He married my Mom also that summer. Marrying in Vegas. I cried at their wedding because I did not want her to marry him. My Grandma told me I had a way of knowing people and Rick did not feel good to me. He made me worry .

Sunday, April 25, 2010

MY life Chapter 1

I have never shared the full details of my life. Not even with my family. I believe by writing them down will help me better understand myself. I was born November 11th 1985 at 7:11 a.m (Yes 7:11) I weighed a little over 7 lbs. My parents Suzie and Michael Garhartt. From memories I can recall when I was child I had a loving family. I spent many days with my grandmother. She taught me spanish at a young age and I remember when she made me peanut butter and jelly sandwhichs that she would make a heart in the peanut butter. Something I still do to this day. My Mom was very hands on with us and I can remember the first time I ever saw snow and went sledding. My father holding on me tight making sure I did not fall off. I can remember hearing them argue , yell and shout at nights. I remember the night when my Dad left. I held on the the railing of the apartment. Watching him in a total 80's white and Black foe fur coat. I watched him walk all the way to his car without looking back once. My Mom worked 3 jobs to keep us afloat! I rarely saw her. My first day of school my Mom walked me to class I was so afraid. I was a very shy kid and still to this day. My very first friend was a girl named Samantha and soon followed Silvia a girl that was about three years older than me. She lived across the way and we would play make believe. We would take old cardboard boxes and cut out windows for our pretend home. We did not have a lot of money so what we had we kept good care of it. Samantha lived in an apartment complex two blocks from me and we spent a lot of time together. I was devastated when she moved up north just after 2nd grade. That was a way of life for me when I was younger. People would move away due to changes in lifestyle. Promotion at work or moving with family to save money. I can still see there faces and sometimes wonder how they are in life. Where they are these days. I was good in school. I loved learning I loved my teachers. I grew up with brothers and I looked up to them and wanted to do everything they did. I joined a bobby sox team when My older brother Dustyn joined little league. I got hit by a baseball bat to the mouth and never played again. Aril(and yes she had read hair) was supposed to be at plate and took one last swing when I came out to the batters box she clocked me pretty hard. This was not my only run in with a baseball bat either! So now I stay clear of them. My Dad was there and took me to Urgent care and after got me food from wendi's. He got me fries and the salt stung my gums from the lose teeth and open sores in my mouth from where teeth used to be. I saw my Father every so often. He was busy with work and rarely made it to important occasions in my life. Like award ceremonies. Plays or Christmas shows that I was in. I would look out in the crowd for him but was disapointed when he was a no show. My Mom was always there when I was younger. I would pray for my parents to get back together. I was upset to see my Father had moved on so quickly from my Mother. He was dating a woman named Cris. She was beautiful. She looked like a model. I use to think she looked like Cindy Crawford. I never knew the reasoning to why my parents divorce till I was much older. My father had an affair with Cris. She caught them at a movie together "Pretty Woman" I always wondered why my mother still refuses to see that movie. I do not hate my Father for what he did. I always carried on and loved him just as I did before. My Mom soon began to date as well. Than she meet Rick and my life turned upside down.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

is size really just a number?

Lately I have been feeling low on my self esteem. I guess it is contributed to cloths shopping and trying on cloths with the frustration that your size can't wear most of today's fashions! In high school I used to be a size 8 and now I am a 14. I struggle and even sometimes bail on visits with old friends in fear they will look at me like "What happened to you?" It also doesn't help my self-esteem when most guys in Utah or guys in general are looking for the skinny size 0-3 trophy wives! I guess you can say I have gained the freshman 10 and than some. I really want to strive to be my old high school size by the time I am out in L.A or at least close to it.It has been hard for me to transition from being desired by men to going dateless for the past year! I hate that I feel this way. I have moments when I feel attractive and go screw people! Than after my efforts to look nice go unnoticed I go back into my shell. I have been teased when I was younger. Lets just say I didn't have the best older brother. He teased me constantly when I was going through a very awkward stage in my life. I can recall one day when the neighborhood boy that I had a huge crush on came over and he pinned me on the ground and sat on me saying "Mrs. Claus for Christmas I would like." I noticed the boy that I had been crushing on was laughing with him and wanted to run away but he continued yelling Bertha as he poked at my fat. I wasn't even that chubby not even the size I am today. I know these types of experiences in my life have shaped my low self esteem. All I know is that I hate today's society and what they see as healthy!

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Here You Go

Last night I was over hearing conversations how one can be so honest and open in a blog but, not is person. I share this same feeling. I am more open in journals,diaries and blogs because I can express myself more openly. They is no fear and no holding back. I can allow my hand to write willingly and my fingers to type away as my thoughts pour in. I tend to hold back in conversation or have never been given the opportunity to speak. So hear it is all the feelings that I have been holding in for so long. I haven't been true to myself in a very long time. I can't figure out my middle ground. I used be someone that woke up each morning and excited for the day to come. Now all my days just mash into one the same old same old playing over and over again. I used to be fun and goofy but it is a rarety it you ever see it. I keep allowing myself to fade into the background. I spoke to my family and to my good friend from back home. I feel like I am losing who I am. If you are or ever curious of who I really am well here is it goes.

I am the kind of girl that routs for my home town football team on Sunday

I am the kind of girl who has a deep passion for music. I grew up watching the Grammys and hoping one day I would make it there. I love listening and watching the artistry.

I like to dance and have a good time. It doesn't have to be in a club. In the car or in my room is where I love to be. I was able to dance around in my room with my friend and just let loose this week. You haven't seen my dancing me!

I am the kind of girl who cares a lot about people more that than may care about me. I miss having a tight knit group of friends. Friends that didn't have to question if they were or not. Here I can be surrounded by a group of people but feel completely alone. I guess my definition of a friend is completely different. As I laid in my bed a question came into my head. I always take care of people but who really takes care of me? My definition of a friend is how it is shown. Coming to talk or visit even it is for brief moments. Letting me know that they came to see me to make time for me. Like when my friend Kirstie who comes into my work and chats with me. Or simple a phone call when friendships are taken far away that we can talk for an hour or so and just laugh.

All in all I am tired and done feeling lost amongst the crowd and faded in the background. So when I move it will be a true test of character and friendship. Also Im sure there will be some other changes

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Day 2:December 24

I set my alarm to wake me up early to surprise my Mom. I rolled out of bed excited and walked over to my Mom's room she was at the dresser and she looked at me and said "Brenna?" she had a stunned look on her face and than asked "Did you get here last night. Which I replied "Yeah I did." She than asked how I got here there. I said Joyce got me. She must have been tired because she said "That was nice of Joyce to come and get you." I laughed and I said "No Mom I flew in." She than called me a punk for tricking her and gave me a huge hug. After she went to work I went back to bed to catch up on some needed sleep. Later that day the family and I went to Temecula to my Aunt's for Christmas Eve dinner. It was good to be with family I haven't seen in awhile and to see my little cousins. Who want to know every detail of my college life. They are 13 so they are really into boy talk. I told them about my friends the snow and boys I have gone dates with. But told them no boy though. My cousin Morgan followed me around through out the night and danced to christmas songs. My littlest cousin James(he is 5) is so adorable and kept putting me in the naughty chair for being naughty. It was his new favorite game to make me sit and trap me on the chair.I enjoyed that night and spending time with people I love. I than went to my Dad's to surprise him. He was happy to see me and like my Mom thought I was a punk for not telling him.After some quality time with my Dad I went home to sleep.