Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The wall falls down

I am not one to open up easily. So once that wall comes down I feel completely vulnerable. This past month seems like a haze. I was in this conflicted state. Who is Brenna? I was figuring out my life trying to fit the pieces together. I work once a week doing graveyard shifts at a residential home. Basically it is just me and another co-worker. The shift is eight hours long so getting to know someone can come fairly easy. The guy that works with me tends to talk about relationship woes and for the first two weeks it seemed that was all that he could talk about. I was interested to hear his perspective and way of thinking. About a week ago we finished watching a scary movie when  all of sudden we began to talk about how to be better. He is kinda on the same boat as me. We need to change  focus on the Lord and being more obedient. We got into deep conversation and I felt safe talking to him about all my worries and what I have gone though. The conversation just flowed and I never once had to think of what I was saying. Usually when I like someone I hold back or I say what they want to hear. As the conversation ended we lay looking at each other when he says "How come I can be so honest with you." I shrugged and he than asked "Do you feel comfortable talking to me?' I replied with a yes and soon realized he saw me. That night was one of the most strange and wonderful nights. I was so easy to open up to him. The thing that caught me of guard was what he said about how he is so honest with me. We developed a friendship and I enjoy his company and look forward to the days we work together and the conversations we have. He is one of the few guys I feel completely comfortable around. No stress no worries just being me. He makes me feel safe and I am myself around him.

Friday, September 4, 2009


 Lately people have been asking why I seem  little off. I hate talking about things face to face. I tend to bottle things up inside that is my downfall. I let things bottle up and eat away until one day I break down. I am at a  weird point in my life. I am confused more than ever! Someone close to me tried to commit suicide someone I love so much. I am not a big fan of those who talk about suicide as a joke. I have two people in my life commit suicide. One a friend I had in middle school the other my Uncle. I have been so busy and stressed out and when I got a frantic phone call. The feeling didn't hit til later in the week. I guess I was in shock. I went through all kind of emotions sadness, angry,worry and confusion. I am 720 miles away from the person I love. What could I do to help them when I am so far away. No one is there to watch over them. I feel completely helpless. I needed people to be around me to feel some since of normalcy. To distract me from reality I guess. But I didn't...people are busy. My friends are few and have a lot going on. It is my fault for some of it because I hate asking for help or for understanding. I finally couldn't take it anymore and got in my car a fled to Vegas to meet up with a friend of mine.  I needed to get away I didn't want to be alone. I had fun. I lost myself for the weekend. Let nothing affect me. I guess it was another stupid plan to see if people would care where I was. Would they miss me when I was gone would they even know? Silly me...I am confused about my beliefs. How come when you join the Church you have all the friends in the world...years go on and they slowly disappear. Like I have said friendships are changing...I'm changing. I feel like part of me is living a lie while the other is trying to hold on to something they don't want to let go of.