Saturday, November 29, 2008

Keep, Keep, Keep it up

One night as I was laying down in my bed I looked up and the moon was just over my head. My I-Pod was playing and the song that played was by La Rocca. As I laid there I began to think a lot about life. What is the point in living life blinded. To not look around you and see the beauty in it. Everyday as I drive to school there is this guy who stands at the same corner waving a sign for Little Cesar's Pizza. He has his headphones on and dances to his own beat. I have come to notice that each occasion that I have seen him he is always smiling. One day as I was stopped at the light I watched him and he turned to wave. I waved back and smiled it was hard not to because his smile was so infectious. This guy loved what he was doing and I tend to complain about the smaller things in life. I have allowed myself to get so caught up with school,work and emotions that I forgot me. I used to do many things in my spare time painting,drawing,writing and going out. Not being scared that sometimes it is o.k to be alone. I used to do it with out feeling like a complete loser because I was not hanging out with anyone. I think those were happy times because I was doing things that I love. Recently I began writing again just for fun. I am writing a story about fictional characters but they all embody friends that I have now or have had in my life. I talked to my sister about it and she began reading the first few chapters. Jokingly she told me that this could even be one of those t.v dramas. So then it transformed into a script. My sister just about ever week comes by and reads the next episode. For awhile I did not write anything and she was asking me what happened to this character and what is going to happen between so and so.She was dissapointed that I had nothing for her to read. Even though she is the only one reading my sitcom I feel good because she takes interest in what I am writing. As  of right now I am in season 3 Episode 5 and well if your lucky I might let a few of you read it. I try to take scenarios from events that I had to go though and make the conflicts that these characters go though realistic. I love creative writing it was always my strong point for me in English. Also another thing to add earlier today I went into my storage unit to look for my i-pod adapter that got mixed in with some boxes. As I opened the box full of  old yearbooks from high school along with other books I came across one called Peculiar I noticed in the book was a piece of paper. There laying in this book was my Patriarchal blessing. I have been looking for it for almost a 6 months. I was upset because I figured I lost it and here it was. I began to read it and I realized I need to focus more on the good and keep working at my talents. To keep being optimistic! :)

Saturday, November 22, 2008

You worry to much about others

I know I have not written in a little awhile. It has been a ruff couple of weeks. I just had my 23rd birthday and I was gravely disappointed with who I choose to hang out with. My friend Joyce was planning a surprise birthday dinner for me and invited all my friends from the branch. I was not aware of her plan until i went into institute and one of my friends came up to me and asked me what was going on for my birthday and I was confused and said that my birthday had passed that it was on Tuesday. He informed me about some kind of dinner going on Friday night and that Joyce had invited him. I called up Joyce and she said that it was supposed to be a surprise. She than asked me to get a head count for her cause no one has got back her yet. So I called up one of my friends who has numbers of friends that I don't. She never returned my calls and no one commented me about Friday. When Joyce called again I told her that it looks like it is just you and me for my dinner. I tried to hold my emotions in like I have said I hate people seeing my weaknesses. Friday came and same thing no call no comments. I attended my sister's play that night. My sister did really well I think she has found her niche she was funny and when she had to be serious she delivered. I enjoyed this middle school production I thought it was very clever and for the money that they had looked well made. After my sisters play I called up Joyce and she was not ready yet and my family was going to dinner to celebrate my sister's first play. I decided to head over but I got really upset all of a sudden as I went to my car and felt like I needed to talk to someone. The person in my life that means so much to me other than family alone is a good friend of mine Rosalinda. She is like an older sister to me. I  hate crying to her to but she is one of the few that truly gets me and has seen me though many hard times in my life. I talked to her for awhile and I knew she was busy and I felt I was kind of intruding on what she was doing so I let her go. I drove over to the restaurant that my family was dinning at. I sat for a little bit in my car making sure that I didn't look like I was crying. When I took a depth breath I walked in and sat down for a little bit with my family discussing movies, the play and my brothers being goofs. My Mom turned to me and saw that I was being a little quiet she asked me "Are you o.k."  I tried to hold back my tears but I began crying. My mom told me to come with her outside to talk. I think I kinda scared my brothers two really good friends cause they never seen me like that. My mom and I were talking and she asked me what is wrong. I began to tell that tonight my friends and I were all going to go to dinner for my birthday. That out of all of them Joyce is the only one going. I began to talk more how I always hang out with this group and one of them is a good friend of mine for 3 years. I just told her that I was hurt to find out that these friends we just acquaintances to me. I also told her that I figured out that they all were going to go see James Bond and after Joyce asked them to go later they said that they would rather go to the movie at a certain time. My mom than asked me about friends in Utah and I told her I had friends that hurt me there too, but my quality of friends was better. I talked about Rosalinda,Cuddey and Kelly. That when I am up there they try and do their best to hang out with me.I also told her that making friends up there is easier for me. That from my past visits I have meet really cool people. She asked me why I moved back home. I told her that I knew she was having a hard time with the divorce and I wanted to come back to help her and that I moved back because my Dad told me that his health is getting worse and that he missed not having me close by. Since my move back my Father does not see me to much due to his girlfriend's feelings towards me. His health is good and that he does go through days when he feels weak. My Mom than thanked me for all my help and said "But I am o.k now and your Father has his life going on."  She went on to say "Go where you need to go I am going to miss you like crazy but if you need to go back go!" She hugged me and told me "I want you worry about you now." I am going to miss having my Mom close to me but she promised to visit. My Mom walked me back in and my brother's friend Ryan asked me if I was o.k and told me he was worried. I informed him I was o.k just a ruff day. I didn't feel like giving details. I left to go to dinner and meet up with Joyce and her boyfriend. My older brother hugged me and his girlfriend hugged me. I must have looked like a wreck because that is unusual for Dustyn to show me emotion when he apologized to me for what happened even though it was not his fault. I think it might be a big brother thing. Last night I hung out with this group of friends again and as we sat a dinner one of the guys commented to me about asking for certain items before I ate. He said "Is it just perfect now?"  I looked at him and he had this slick smile and I was like can you not criticize  about what I am doing again. This was not the first occasion in which he has criticized me.Before dinner we went to a movie as I walked up with my friend there were 2 open seats next to him so I began to sit down and he was like "oh you can't sit next to me and pointed me down the row. " I did not say anything until I saw Ashleigh was sitting next to me and said "That's o.k I like sitting next to Ashleigh. During the whole movie those seats remained empty.This guy always says stuff like that to me and than some days he is nice to me saying I look nice today and that he likes my hair. One day after class I ran into him and he asked me if I was going to be attending the dinner that was last night. I told him maybe (I was still a little hurt by the group) he told me to please come because it would not be the same. When people ask me about him I just say he is a nice guy and  is really into the church (Peter Priesthoody) but a good guy. At dinner however he was a complete jerk to me that I finally just sat there and was quiet hoping that the checks would be coming soon. I don't get him why does he act like a jerk than the next day sweet? We are not good friends because the only time I see him is at church or institute so I don't know why he treats me that way

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Restless Nights

I know I have not posted a blog in awhile,but since this is another night of being restlessness I thought to write a blog. Tonight I went on a drive and began pondering about many things that I am going through. As I drove I passed a home where my friend used to live his old car still parked in the drive way though he is gone. Than as I kept traveling along the road I passed the local Mexican food restaurant that was the hang out after school let out during my years of high school. The road than took me past my middle school where I remembered my first dance, my first crush and first boyfriend. As I sat in my car loads of memories flooded my mind and soon those memories turned into vivid pictures as they began to play out. I could not help but think how time has been flying by. How much have I changed and where I am going now. Last night I went over to my older brother Dustyn's new home. Later on my family and I went out to dinner. My mom noticed that I was very quite. She asked me if I was o.k. I told her that is has been a ruff week. I hate making my Mom worry so I only told that I was stressed out about school and the two talks that I have in church. I have been a little down this past week. My life has become such a routine wake up at 5:00 a.m. go to work off at 3:oop.m then head to school get out at 9:30 p.m go home than get ready for bed. Wake up and start all over again. I wish I had more of a social life more time to live my life.I think once school is done I will gain some more of my time back and more time to spend with friends. I think some of my restlessness is because my birthday is coming up and I do not have anything planned other than I have school. Usually my friends and I plan something but I haven't had time to plan anything. I think this will be the first birthday that will be kinda be blah.