Saturday, January 24, 2009

Scared Boy Syndrome

So I have thought a lot about relationships. I think you can not really escape the whole dating thing when you live in Utah. I like to say that I suffer from scared boy syndrome. That is every time I move a boy will finally get the guts to tell me that he likes me. Before I moved out here to Utah I went on a date with a guy friend of mine. It was really nice for him to take me out. Little did he know that only a week before I lost someone in my life. He asked me why my sudden move came about. I did not tell him that I was leaving to get away from the hurt and shock of someone I really cared for. I made up that I felt like it was time to move and that the opportunity came about so I took it. Don't get me wrong I did pray about it just weird how the Lord gives an answer sometimes sudden. While we were on our date he asked me some pretty interesting questions and he made me laugh on numerous accounts which was something I needed. He always jokes with me about being "just Friends" At the end of the date he asked is I was going to a show of one of our friends. I said I was not sure yet and might not. He than said "I will see you." Well I did get to go to say good byes to some friends and when I had to leave he gave me a hug and said that "This is not good bye and that he'll see me soon." Referring to his visit to Utah for spring break. He is a pretty cool guy and I like spending time with him. But I can not help not to put a wall up. Seems like most guys these days are looking for the "trophy wife" girlfriends. I do believe in myself to know that I am "Trophy Wife" material. Just that guys don't seem to see that. As I have said I tend not to crush on guys because well...they usually do not feel the same way. I feel a lot that I get played. Not saying that this guy back home won't play me or not. Just that the guys before well they have really messed me up. I was once proposed to. I was 19 and like I may have said already unsure that this was the route I wanted to take at that point in my life. I told him to wait and after I thought more about it. I told him that I would marry him. He than told me that he has been thinking about it as well and that the Lord told him I was not RIGHT for him. I think this has been an issue with relationships I have had thinking am I not right for this guy too?? I used to date a lot before I was LDS and now that I am seems like I have to worry more and more about is this next guy going to propose to me as well?? Will I be right?? As of now I just want to date and have fun. If I end up in a committed relationship well that is good too. I just want to feel like I am right and that these stupid guys that can not look and see the real beauty that lays beneath need to look at themselves. Anyways I know I went on a rant but tonight I had to just let it out. Like in one of my favorite songs "All the good girls are home with broken hearts."

Thursday, January 22, 2009

My Poker Face

Well I have finally come to the realization that I live in Utah now, that I am no longer on what I thought was vacation. Getting a job really stressed me out!! Seemed like everywhere I went was full of employees and not hiring. Than out of the blue two places that I had applied to called me and offered me a job. I was so relieved. Than I moved into my new place at Foxwood. I still am getting a little adjusted. My roommates seem really cool. My roomie is from Taiwan she is super sweet and always is so helpful. She is here to learn English than she is moving back home. I must say I do love Utah. So far it is treating me good no extreme snow storms. I am really excited about going night boarding next week. I have never been before and I am sure that I will fall on my booty more than actually snow boarding. One thing lately I noticed is I want people to get to know me for me. I feel that most people refer to me as the friend of the friend or the best friend of a friend. Not as Brenna. I have come to realize more and more sense I have been here I have to step out and be...well me. I am no longer going to sit back and see what happens. I am going to have to come out of my comfort zone and make my own friends. Not the ones I feel like I am borrowing. I love the friends I have made through Rosalinda! They are all amazing and great people to be around. I like hanging out with them! I feel however I need to make some on my own. There for I will no longer sit back with a poker face...I am going to need to step up and make my move.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Home Sweet Home

I guess one can say this is my first Blog of the year. As most of my close friends know I moved to Utah. The interesting part is that I was not planning to move out here until febuary or the summer. As I was driving on my what seemed to be a forever long road trip up. I could not help to think for a moment like I was one of those rebellious characters in a movie, that pack up all their things a leave. I had only a week to say good-bye to my family and my friends as well as packing up and leaving. The prompting to move was so sudden and the path so unexpected. Being back here in Utah I know is going to have its ups and downs, but I know that this is where the Lord wants me to be. For so long I have been carrying so much weight and worry. As I rolled into my destination I had this overwhelming feeling of peace. I am excited to see where this road takes me here. I am glad to meet new people and catch up with old friends as well. I know these next days or weeks are going to be stressful with trying to settle in. Sorry this blog is short but hopefully once I am settled I will have more to write!