Tuesday, February 24, 2009

My Passion

Last night I went to a film shoot of one my friends (Jonathan). I am so glad that he invited me! As you may or not know I want to major in film. I have never been on a film shoot before so the experience was all new to me.  When you are asked the question in high school what do you want to be I had always settled to be a teacher. My Mom was set on me being one because two of my Aunt's are teachers at local schools and she said that I would get great experience from them. Film was not even an idea yet. I guess you can say that it was my secret desire. I used to listen to music or read a book and think in my head how would I envision this. I loved it! One day just out of boredom I began to mix audio clips and clips from my favorite t.v shows and made up little videos. I jokingly mention it to my Dad and he asked to see them. I was nervous having him watching them because to me they were just some stupid boredom videos. His response kinda came as a shock  when he said "I think this is what you need to be doing." "Working with music videos and working towards films." "You would be a great teacher but I think this is your true passion." I began researching more about it. Then I talked to my Uncle and he told my Aunt who directs music videos for up an coming artist. She said that I could intern with her after I graduate. I began to feel more excited but not as excited as last night when I truly realized this was what I wanted to do. Jonathan posed a question to me about what did I want to do on a film. He began listing all the different departments. Honestly I was not sure. That night I was the P.A girl. I basically ran around and fetched stuff for the crew and the cast. Thirsty got it...Gaff tape got it! I even was a an extra as a dead body. Which was also fun because it was another new experience for me. Also playing a dead girl was interesting especially having to lay on a guys lap for awhile. I guess that is one way to know your neighbor better! The film shoot went on til about 2:30 a.m I began to feel tired and knowing that I had to be up for work that morning made me feel even more exhausted. I came out of this experience with more of a an appreciation for how movies are made. It is a lot of hard work and patience. But above all I came out the experience knowing what I want to be...a Director. 

Sunday, February 22, 2009

I have realized!

So last night I went to the movies with my roommate and her boyfriend to go see "He Just Not That Into You." It started off introducing you to all the different characters and their relationship story and how they are all intertwined. I watched the movie and began to realize more and more how I related to the character in GiGi and how she goes through all kinds of relationship trials. She tends to like the guys that are just not that into her. She than gets the help of a guy to help her with all of her relationship woes. She than goes onto to say that she is not the exception to all the rules of men, but she is the rule. I AM THE RULE TOO! I usual go for guys or like guys that are "just not into me." I take their "Signs" or what they say and with the help of my friends "read into them." I used to not read into things until I had that friend that told me I was beautiful and that guy likes me. Also when it does not work out they are there to say that guy does not know what he is missing or he likes you he just does not know what he wants. UGH I wish they would just tell me the truth. I am easy to get over stuff and with their honesty I would be able to move on. So all day long I have been thinking more and more taking the advice from the movie observing guys from my ward and at my this guy into her...? I hate being a girl waiting for some guy to come around in find me. The part that got me the most is when the character of GIGI  kisses the guy that gives her help thinking that her likes her after she gets "signs" from him and thinks he likes her. He than gets up and starts to yell at her after she tells him that she thought he liked her. After his fit she says " I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! you think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make a fool of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either.You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid stuff but I'm still a lot closer to love than you'll ever be." I know sometimes I try or worry to much about relationship and get down when another year goes by still single, but at least I put myself out there. 

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Who I am, Who I'm Not, Who I Want To Be

Yeah I know I took the lyrics to the song by The Fray. Lately those simple lyrics have sparked a thought in me. Which is Who I am I, Who am I not and What do I want to be. As of now I see myself as this. I am one of those girls that has one of the worst fears that one can carry. Which is I have a fear of acceptance. I hate when people don't like me or do not give me a chance. I am a girl with a big heart. I care a lot about others and makes sure people are happy. I am a girl that has a huge imagination. I love writing stories,scripts and plays. When I was younger I could entertain myself in my room with a make believe world that I made up in my head. I also was the one that my neighborhood friends would invite over to think up new adventures for pretend. I am girl that hides feelings to protect herself from those who have hurt her. So these blogs are personal and consider yourself honored to read them. I am girl with a testimony and faith. I am a girl who loves music and feels that on some days it is an escape from reality. I am girl that has risen from a ruff childhood to look and see the beauty. Who I am not is someone that will allow people to walk over her. I am not "Molly Mormon" and probably never will be. I  am not the outgoing girl and wished I was. Who I am not is emotionless.What I want to be is to feel wanted. I want to feel good enough. I want to be stronger. I want to be successful as in finish what I start. I want to be more confident but not in a prideful way.I want to be me. I want one day to see these things in me!