is size really just a number?

Lately I have been feeling low on my self esteem. I guess it is contributed to cloths shopping and trying on cloths with the frustration that your size can't wear most of today's fashions! In high school I used to be a size 8 and now I am a 14. I struggle and even sometimes bail on visits with old friends in fear they will look at me like "What happened to you?" It also doesn't help my self-esteem when most guys in Utah or guys in general are looking for the skinny size 0-3 trophy wives! I guess you can say I have gained the freshman 10 and than some. I really want to strive to be my old high school size by the time I am out in L.A or at least close to it.It has been hard for me to transition from being desired by men to going dateless for the past year! I hate that I feel this way. I have moments when I feel attractive and go screw people! Than after my efforts to look nice go unnoticed I go back into my shell. I have been teased when I was younger. Lets just say I didn't have the best older brother. He teased me constantly when I was going through a very awkward stage in my life. I can recall one day when the neighborhood boy that I had a huge crush on came over and he pinned me on the ground and sat on me saying "Mrs. Claus for Christmas I would like." I noticed the boy that I had been crushing on was laughing with him and wanted to run away but he continued yelling Bertha as he poked at my fat. I wasn't even that chubby not even the size I am today. I know these types of experiences in my life have shaped my low self esteem. All I know is that I hate today's society and what they see as healthy!