OFF

 Lately people have been asking why I seem  little off. I hate talking about things face to face. I tend to bottle things up inside that is my downfall. I let things bottle up and eat away until one day I break down. I am at a  weird point in my life. I am confused more than ever! Someone close to me tried to commit suicide someone I love so much. I am not a big fan of those who talk about suicide as a joke. I have two people in my life commit suicide. One a friend I had in middle school the other my Uncle. I have been so busy and stressed out and when I got a frantic phone call. The feeling didn't hit til later in the week. I guess I was in shock. I went through all kind of emotions sadness, angry,worry and confusion. I am 720 miles away from the person I love. What could I do to help them when I am so far away. No one is there to watch over them. I feel completely helpless. I needed people to be around me to feel some since of normalcy. To distract me from reality I guess. But I didn't...people are busy. My friends are few and have a lot going on. It is my fault for some of it because I hate asking for help or for understanding. I finally couldn't take it anymore and got in my car a fled to Vegas to meet up with a friend of mine.  I needed to get away I didn't want to be alone. I had fun. I lost myself for the weekend. Let nothing affect me. I guess it was another stupid plan to see if people would care where I was. Would they miss me when I was gone would they even know? Silly me...I am confused about my beliefs. How come when you join the Church you have all the friends in the world...years go on and they slowly disappear. Like I have said friendships are changing...I'm changing. I feel like part of me is living a lie while the other is trying to hold on to something they don't want to let go of.