Christmas day by day: Day 1

I wanted to keep up with my trip home. Seems lately I forget the small precious moments and focus of the things that are not worth time to focus on. So I want to write my vacation back home day by day.

Day 1 December 23,2009: Flying home

I got a last minute flight out to San Diego at 9:40 p.m it was more like 10:40 p.m. My flight got delayed due to technical difficulties. There was a fire light on that they could not figure out to fix. So they are to reboot the system turn the plane off three times. We sat in the fully packed plane for 40 minutes. Everyone was on edge and grumpy. The man next to me was upset because the car rental place would be closed by the time we touched down. The guy on my right was just tired and wanted to be home. I didn't tell my parents that I was flying down. I told them I was waiting for the snow storm to pass and that it was horrible to drive in. I told them the likely hood of me being there for Christmas looked slimmed. Little did they know I was in flight to see them. Joyce was in on my clever plan and picked me up from the airport. I was happy to see her! I think the friendships that are the best is that when you are miles away and when you see them again you pick up right where you left off. We got home and I put my hoodie on and got out of the car. I soon felt Jr. (the family dog) at my feet. I quickly turn to get my luggage and hear my little sister talking than say "Sister is that you?" than she runs and hugs me when she realizes Joyce is not my brother's girlfriend and that I was not Nik. She was so excited! We walked in trying to keep quiet I knew my mom was asleep. So we crept up the stairs and spent time with J.C. Jr. was quick to cuddle with me on the bed as we all chatted and danced around to Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" Around 2 a.m Joyce left and I retired to bed. I love sleeping in my old bed it is just home. I set my alarm to wake me up to surprise my Mom before she had to go to work.

Don't bottle me up

I realized how long it has been since my last blog. A lot has happened in my life. I am dealing with loss and reality. I tend to bottle my emotions up. Playing a facade that everything in my life is great. When there are cracks in my foundation that can soon show what is really going on in the inside. Two weeks ago I found out that the lady I work for has blood clots all up and down her leg. Her leg was swollen twice the size of her other leg. I was thinking she must of got bitten by a bug and had an allergic reaction. Nothing serious went through my head. Blood clots never crossed my mind. Her Mom sat me down in the morning to tell me of her daughters uncertain death. Saying it could be days,months and maybe a year before she will pass away. She informed me that I didn't have to work with her if I didn't want to. That the chocie was up to me. Just to know that she could pass in my care. I struggled with the idea for days. I already watched someone I love die and I didn't want to it again. As I was praying through out the week what I should do. I took part in her blessing. I sat and took every word spoken in. I couldn't help the tears that rolled down my face. I tried to stay strong for her Mom by wiping my tears quickly. I didn't fool her one bit when she handed me a tissue and the tears came again. The moment that struck me the most was when the Priesthood holder said "You will have the best care with when the time comes with people that love you." My heart raced and I knew I would be there for her on her last days. My calling now to her is to give her the best quality of life I could give. Keep her routine normal and maintain her happiness in the things she loves. They tell us not to get attached to the ones we work with. I couldn't help getting attached to her. She makes me smile and I love seeing her everyday. She is my friend and I know it will hurt when she leaves. I can't wait to meet with her again. As I face this heartache I began to reevaluate my major. I was going into film then realized my love for people and went to special education. Both I know I would love to do and be good at. I didn't want to deal with the heartbreaks of losing my students to untimely deaths. So I began to search my true passion! I went to see my Aunt's Band in Salt Lake the Crash Kings. I have always loved music. Ever since I was little girl I would find these unknown bands and make my family listen to them. Soon my friends would be introduced and felt accomplished when they soon became big. My Aunt has a record company in L.A. I talked to my Dad about an idea I had about moving to L.A and interning with my Aunt. Maybe finish school out there. So when I visit in December I am going to meet with her a discuss my ideas. So I might be moving to L.A in the summer.

The wall falls down

I am not one to open up easily. So once that wall comes down I feel completely vulnerable. This past month seems like a haze. I was in this conflicted state. Who is Brenna? I was figuring out my life trying to fit the pieces together. I work once a week doing graveyard shifts at a residential home. Basically it is just me and another co-worker. The shift is eight hours long so getting to know someone can come fairly easy. The guy that works with me tends to talk about relationship woes and for the first two weeks it seemed that was all that he could talk about. I was interested to hear his perspective and way of thinking. About a week ago we finished watching a scary movie when  all of sudden we began to talk about how to be better. He is kinda on the same boat as me. We need to change  focus on the Lord and being more obedient. We got into deep conversation and I felt safe talking to him about all my worries and what I have gone though. The conversation just flowed and I never once had to think of what I was saying. Usually when I like someone I hold back or I say what they want to hear. As the conversation ended we lay looking at each other when he says "How come I can be so honest with you." I shrugged and he than asked "Do you feel comfortable talking to me?' I replied with a yes and soon realized he saw me. That night was one of the most strange and wonderful nights. I was so easy to open up to him. The thing that caught me of guard was what he said about how he is so honest with me. We developed a friendship and I enjoy his company and look forward to the days we work together and the conversations we have. He is one of the few guys I feel completely comfortable around. No stress no worries just being me. He makes me feel safe and I am myself around him.

OFF

 Lately people have been asking why I seem  little off. I hate talking about things face to face. I tend to bottle things up inside that is my downfall. I let things bottle up and eat away until one day I break down. I am at a  weird point in my life. I am confused more than ever! Someone close to me tried to commit suicide someone I love so much. I am not a big fan of those who talk about suicide as a joke. I have two people in my life commit suicide. One a friend I had in middle school the other my Uncle. I have been so busy and stressed out and when I got a frantic phone call. The feeling didn't hit til later in the week. I guess I was in shock. I went through all kind of emotions sadness, angry,worry and confusion. I am 720 miles away from the person I love. What could I do to help them when I am so far away. No one is there to watch over them. I feel completely helpless. I needed people to be around me to feel some since of normalcy. To distract me from reality I guess. But I didn't...people are busy. My friends are few and have a lot going on. It is my fault for some of it because I hate asking for help or for understanding. I finally couldn't take it anymore and got in my car a fled to Vegas to meet up with a friend of mine.  I needed to get away I didn't want to be alone. I had fun. I lost myself for the weekend. Let nothing affect me. I guess it was another stupid plan to see if people would care where I was. Would they miss me when I was gone would they even know? Silly me...I am confused about my beliefs. How come when you join the Church you have all the friends in the world...years go on and they slowly disappear. Like I have said friendships are changing...I'm changing. I feel like part of me is living a lie while the other is trying to hold on to something they don't want to let go of. 

Clearing the Air

So I just wanted to say I am sorry sometimes my blogs don't come out the way I want them to and things can get taken out of context. My last blog was meant to say I was having a ruff time in life whither it was with family,friends,work and spirituality. I was trying to  say that I sometimes am self destructive of myself. Picking out all my faults rather than the qualities that I have. I was thankful for friends that I have had. The friends I know that will last. I know when I fight for a friendship it is because our friendship is so much more than a mere acquaintance or a faze. I have a particular friendship with someone that I know I will always be there for them. I hope to be apart of their life when I am old and gray! They are like family to me and it means so much to have them in my life. I am thankful to those who help me with out even knowing it. I am not the kind of person that is very good expressing their feelings openly. I try to keep things in and say I am o.k when I am not. I think that is my main pit fall. I am not perfect and sometimes not even the perfect friend. I am working so hard to be better with my friendships. Better with relationships in general. I need to work on myself as well. I am a work in progress. So I am sorry if I offended any of you. :(

Battling

I know lately some of you have seen me looking pretty down and not acting like myself. Some say that I am quite now. Well I think when it comes to my own personal battles I can only fight so long than I give up. July has been very unkind to me. Started off with dropping my sister off at the airport at 5a.m and coming out to my car and seeing that have a flat tire. I have been stressing a lot over money. My job has cut my hours and on top of that cut my pay as well due to the economy. I have bills and rent to pay leaving me little money to spend. As I waited for airport security to some and fill the air in my tires they informed me that it was a leak and that I would have to get a new tire. Well apparently you have to buy 2 tires in order to balance out your car so it will drive smooth and in the long run is better for your car. I had to come up with 400-500 dollars! I had no money like that in hand so I was driving on my spare until I was cleared for a credit card(which I try to avoid at all cost) in order to purchase the tires. I was waiting for my big pay check from working 5 days of 24 hour shifts only to find they paid me $262.52 and after I confronted them they said the state does day pay of $56.68(which I am battling). On the same day I received my paycheck I got a letter from the IRS  stating that I owe $633 dollars for apparently my job giving me advanced  tax pay in my paycheck that I never authorized but for some reason they put it in my paycheck. So I have to pay them! I am broke at the moment and now scheduling more hours working  graveyard shifts from 10p.m-6a.m  twice a week to add on to the hours I work with 2 other jobs. I felt all this month that life is hitting me and hitting me hard. I never had to deal with financial woes and fighting to keep afloat. I am just physically,emotionally and spiritually tired! I feel like my life amounts to nothing and I am nothing. Almost like my life is falling apart. I was depressed for the past week. I told my family how I felt and even close friends. But no one came over to visit or call to check on me. Til Friday when I went to a friend of a friend's bonfire. I tried to dance my worries away and it worked for awhile.I can only put a front on for so long.My friendships are suffering as I see my closets friends slipping away. Sunday I had to let out how I felt and my friend turned and made it more than what I was trying to say. Lets just say I left crying and still feel just as crummy as the week before.I truly am thankful for the friendships that I have had. I particular care about a friendship I have had for a long time. We have seen each other at our best and at our lows. I just hope they know that I will always be there for them even if life changes.I know we have been busy and we haven't had the friendship we used to. Just don't forget the ones that are there in the long run.I am trying to get my feet on the ground. I think when I finally take care of all this mess than I will see the light at the end. 

Proud

I have been needing to write a blog about the fourth of July. But haven't been able to sit down and really gather my thoughts in awhile. For the Fourth my sister and I woke up early to see the freedom parade. As we were walking around to find a seat we ran into my home teacher Owen. He asked if we would like to join them. I guess him along with others from the ward had camped out the night before. So my sister and I thanked him as we joined him for the parade. I had never been to any fourth of July celebration like the one held in Provo. As we watched floats,local dance teams,high school bands and characters go by we would sit quietly. But when the Vets went by we all stood up and cheered them on. I noticed myself get a little emotional. This  year my brother signed up to join the Navy. Along with two close friends of mine. Than anther one guy friend  joined the Marines. I began to think of the work they will be doing to secure our freedom. That my little brother is going to be gone for months to not only follow in both of my Grandfathers footsteps but to serve his country. He is not one of those bitter I have to join men. He volunteered to join and has a desire to serve. Growing up I only knew of my Grandfathers joining after seeing their pictures. As the Vets passed by I was so thankful to them. There is a lot of ugly in war. I watched a series from those fighting in Iraq and listening to the pain they go through. The media only shows one side of the story. I believe if you want to know the truth you go to the source. Just listening to strong men break down in their interviews really touched me that this is real. Then as my sister and I attended the Stadium of Fire we saw all the military families sitting on the field. Shedaisy came out and sang a song called "Come Home Soon." My mom told me it is one of her favorite songs. I thought it was just another sappy love song. As I listened it was not a sappy love song but was about the families and spouses of the military waiting for loved ones to return home safely. Once again my eyes began to tear and I had to fight them back. The realization hit me of my brother and friends leaving to go fight. I am very proud of them. :)

Why so quick to judge?

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I am at a very confusing point in my life. My trip back home has made me open my eyes. I love my family so much. They are not LDS and I love them just the way they are. I had someone who I thought was open enough not to be judgemental come back with me. I warned them that my family drinks and some of them even smoke. I told them that my younger brother has a typical boy sense of humor. They said that they have been around people like that before and that they would be fine. However they were not. I could tell by their silence and their facial expressions. I asked them if they were o.k and they would nod their head yes or say "Yeah everything is o.k." I am not stupid I know when people are upset. Later in the car ride home they opened up and said they were offended by what one of my family members said. I asked them what they said and they continued to say it didn't matter,but it did. The rest of the trip they just kept quiet and it made me super stressed. Also when I went to hang out with Cory. They were quick to judge again. Cory and I have been friends in high school. We lost contact with each other for 8 years so we were happy to catch up. He was respectful to me for being Mormon and was very polite to my friend. Cory is friendly and wrapped his arm around me and friend and they had this look like get off me. They latter said they don't like people touching them. I was getting fed up. First my family than my friend. When I got back to Utah just seemed like the judgements of others came again when my sister came to visit. I know my sister can be a little annoying what do expect from a 13 year old? But don't roll your eyes at her. I think that by this blog I want to say is that I am confused. Why do I want to be apart of a church that is so judgemental towards others of a different faith or just different in general. I don't know if I want to stay here in Utah anymore and if I move home most likely I will not be Mormon. Maybe my Mom was right. I am just torn I believe in the church just not the people. I feel utterly alone here. How am I supposed to find a mormon guy who will accept my family let alone friends?The only friend I have here is Rosalinda and she is also the only one that is o.k with my family.They love her. I am just so confused..my heart is torn. 

If You Care To Read

I know in my blogs it seems like I complain a lot. I am sorry but I guess life is stressful sometimes and I vent on a blog. Kinda silly huh. Well this one is more like another little release. Considering at the moment I have no one to really talk. I mentioned in a previous blog that my Dad has congestive heart failure. A last week he called to check up on  me. Halfway through the conversation he asked me to keep a secret. I told him it depended on the situation if I could. He told me he stopped taking his medications that he is just going to let his heart get worse in order to speed up his heart transplant chances. I told him that the he was being selfish. That he didn't consider his family in his decision. I was so upset that after we hung up. I debated for awhile if I should tell my brothers. The bad thing is that I didn't. Now tonight my Dad is in the hospital. He sounds horrible. The doctors told him today that his heart is weaker and is failing. I asked him if he told the Doctors that he wasn't taking his medication.Of course he didn't so I am telling my brothers so they can speak to them.I guess being up here in Utah took me from the reality of my Dad's condition. I don't want to lose my Dad.I have had plenty of scares with my Dad's health. I guess I am scared that one of these times it will be the last one. 

Blast From The Past

This past month has been a ruff one. This pass weekend not that good either. When I was a little I had really bad allergies that would make my eyes swell and sometimes swell shut. I would be very uncomfortable and breathing was not easy. For almost 10 years my allergy symptoms were not as bad and for the past three years I haven't had to take medicine. Not anymore! I finally cracked and purchased medicine. It helped but I still wake up every morning at 6:10 a.m and start sneezing. I felt groggy at work that burnt myself. Than Saturday night my eyes swelled up.My Mom asked what I was taking and I told it is the medicine that my doctor gave me that worked well. My Dad has allergies like I do and told me to take another medicine. I am just hoping that they will die down soon. That for now I have to stay indoors for awhile because I am allergic to Pollen. It is killing me because I want to go biking! Anyways on a more of a happier note. I am going back home at the end of this month to be with family. I am actually looking forward to getting away from Provo because I need a break. Shannon is going down with me and we are planning to go to seaworld which is exciting I have not been there since 8th grade. My Mom is way cute she told me that the other guest room has a bed in it and that it is my old bed. I was so happy because I miss my old bed. We than began to talk about how things are going. I told her its been ruff but I making more friends in my apartment and that things are settling down. She than asked me if I remembered a guy named Corey from high school. My mom was a mentor in a way to him. He went through a lot growing up. I told her "Yeah I do." "What happened to him?" (We used to be good friends and than out of nowhere he was gone) She told me he changed schools and that he was my little brother's Navy recruiter. That he stopped by to say hello to her and they talked for about 40 minutes and that he asked about me. She filled him in on where I was living and what I was doing up here. He than asked her "Is she still as beautiful as I remember?" of course my Mom said yes. Which is kinda embarrassing because I am nothing like I was in high school. He told my Mom to tell me that when I get down there he is taking me out. I am kinda excited to catch up with him. Weird how things happen.

Becoming Heartless

This past week has been one crazy roller coaster ride of emotions. I am glad that a new week has arrived. You may wonder why the name of my blog is becoming heartless. Well that is because I am beginning to lose myself in the demands of appearance to the worldly things in life. I used to say to myself I am beautiful...I am strong! I can overcome this, but every time I do it is like another slap in the face when I seem to go on in life rendered dateless. So I came up with this mission for myself...I went and bought a bike 2 weeks ago and have been biking all through Provo and preventing myself from having too much down time. Hopefully from this goal I will feel better of myself and well... look better. So when I do I can go to all those people that blindsided me and laugh in their face(Not really). Hence the idea of being heartless...I am sick of being the nice girl the girl that is faded into the background. I want to be the one that everyones eyes go to and see the foreground. So forgive me I guess if I have become someone you are not used to. Maybe it is for the good because it seemed like who I was never got me anywhere. 

Road T rip I will never forget!

Almost two weeks ago I went with some friends(Shannon/Scott and Alyse) on a road trip up to Idaho to see Death Cab For Cutie (One of my all time favorites). As we were driving up I couldn't help but think this is something in my life that I will have to right about. This to me was an adventure. I have never been to Idaho and I all I remember is doing a fifth grade project on it. I was so upset because I had to do my state project on a state that was boring. I was still right 10 years from now. Idaho to me was just an addition to Utah. We stopped for gas in in Eden and Shannon and I had fun looking at all the weird stuff. Also the whole "Garden of Eden" get up they had for their lunch area. When we finally got to our destination I was super excited and also excited for Shannon because it was her first concert. Which was a good first concert because they were amazing. I hate when you go to see an artist that you really like and they sound nothing like their CD in a bad way. Death Cab for Cutie is a band I would pay over and over to see. I was not a huge fan of their last CD but it's growing on me. I have pictures from our adventure. :)

A Chapter of my life

I never like letting people in. I usually just  keep parts of my life simple...private. Earlier this past month I got a scare from my father when he called me during work. He sounded down and scared. I was thrown off my his voice and asked what is wrong. My Dad was diagnosed with congestive heart failure about 4 years ago. It has been a roller coaster ride. He is on the heart transplant list and is still waiting for a heart. If you want a glimpse of what my Dad has you can watch "Seven Pounds" the character played by Rosario Dawson's has what my Dad has. I saw that movie and fought to hold back tears. My Dad is in and out of the hospital all the time. He at least goes once or twice a month. He was in the hospital this past month going through another procedure to see if he gets a couple of more days. When he called he was worried. I can hear the crying in his voice as he told me he was scared. That he feels like this is it. That he loved me and that he was sorry for this past year. Last year was a hard year for our relationship as father and daughter.Growing up I was always close to my Dad and when my parents spilt when I was five I always tried to make up lost time when ever I saw him. My Dad over the past 2 years has had a girlfriend that has been nothing but rude,manipulative and just down right hurtful to me. This has caused a strain on me and my Dad's relationship. He made his choice one day when he decided to lie to me about prior a engagement we had together. She made him choose who he wanted to spend time with and chose her. The past year we have fought and lost touch with each other.I will always have a place in my heart for my Father and letting go of someone is hard for me. Forgiving him for this past year and all the pain he caused me was hard. When he apologized I began crying. I told him that it is o.k. and that I love him. I am going home for Easter weekend and I am excited to hug my Dad and spend time with him. I know that these moments will be only a few. I can see and tell that my Dad's health is fading. The outlook of him receiving a heart transplant seems slim because he is a 2A. 

Every song ends but is that any reason not to enjoy the music?

I started a blog a long time ago about how you can tell a lot about someone from what is on their i-pod. Well I decided to talk about that. My I-pod is really random. You get a lot of different blends of music. For example Flo Rida to Andre Rieu or MOTAB to Death Cab for Cutie. One day last semester I was with my friend. When he grabbed my I-Pod and began to scroll through it. He laughed and I asked "What is so funny." He wouldn't tell me, but i bet it was some of my song choices that surprised him. I usually download my song choices by mood. Like if I am happy you got upbeat dance music or feel good music like Lady Gaga or Shiny Toy Guns. Angry you get some Linkin Park or girl power music of Beyonce. Sad well that is when death cab for cutie comes in or some coldplay. When I was driving ealrier today. I decided to turn my I-pod to a song called "Title and Registration." My wipers went with the beat of the music. I began to look around me and see the cars passing and the background of the snowy mountains. I used to take my I-pod back home to my favorite spot and would go for a walk. As I was walking along I began to notice my surroundings. People running their stresses away. Couples holding hands. Kids running around as their parents chased them. Felt like I was watching a video...the soundtrack of life as I call it. Another thing I like to do and some people may find it silly, but I like to play music and lay on my bed close my eyes and see the video that plays out in my head. Like if I was directing a music video to this song how would I envision it. Another thing I would do as I would lay there is I would think about my life past recent or future. See how my life would be interpreted to this song.  I used to think that you could tell a lot about someone from their music selection, but I have come to realize that you really can't. Like how they say don't judge a book by its cover. Well I would say you can't judge an I-Pod by Artist selection. Haha I know that was Lame :)

A weekend getaway

This past weekend my older brother came up to visit me. I was really excited. Like you may have heard me say that I thought he was the last person to ever visit me. I am the only Mormon member in my family. My older brother was very against me joining the church. For a long time he would make fun of Mormons and say really hurtful things to me regarding my decision. After a few years went by he began to realize like most of my family the only thing that changed about me was that I had different faith. I was still the goofy old Brenna. When he called me back in January to tell me he was coming up he seemed really excited and so was I. This past weekend we went to Snowbasin and went snowboarding and Skiing. For the first half of the day we got to talk and hang out while we were on the lifts. He asked me the typical big brother question like am I happy here and am I seeing someone. I told him that I am happy here and that I like being n my own. I also informed him that I was not dating anybody. He seemed to not believe me. He told me that my mom said that I have been hanging out with a guy. I told him I hang out with a lot of guys. He than said well when you do I would like to meet him. I guess this goes back to the time when I changed my myspace status to "in a relationship" and that was before I left to Utah 3 summers ago. He called me all upset that he did not know I was dating. I told him I did that just for kicks and that I was not seeing anyone. Once again he didn't believe me. I guess he still is not over that. Anyways we had a good time going down the slopes. I only fell once and it hurt pretty bad. A guy coming down had to help me pop my skis off because they were crossed and stuck funny. My brother's girlfriend came up with him as well. It was her first time out she had never snowboarded before and after he lesson my brother pushed he to go on the slope that I had fell on. It was pretty scary there were a couple of parts that allowed no room for error. She was so scared and fell many times coming down she got halfway down and broke down. I felt bad for her and my brother should not have taken her because this is all new to her. But he is very stubborn and does what he wants. So halfway down the slope I had to deal with them fighting and arguing. After we were done we were all extremely tired. We cleaned up and went to take naps! When I got up my knee was in pain going up and down the stairs of the condo was very hard. My brother felt bad about what happened so he decided to treat the girls and made us dinner and watched movies. Than Sunday we went into Salt Lake City and went around Temple square. My brother's girlfriend dated a Mormon guy and knew a lot about the temple and church stuff. My brother to my surprise asked a lot of questions about the church. Like what was the conference center for and why do have General Conferences. Felt good to teach him about my faith and for him to want to listen! I did not want to leave that night but as I drove them back to the condo I felt an overwhelming sadness. I had a piece of home with me and I wished I could always have that. My brother fell in love with the natural beauty of Utah and said he would be back in the summer to go mountain biking and this time he wants to stay somewhere close to me so he can see my friends and where I live. We even agreed that the whole family should come up in the winter for a trip. My sister is going to come up to visit me. She is really excited! I can't wait to have her here and to show her around as well. I am glad that I am able to share with my family a piece of me and to teach them more about my faith. I will post pictures from the weekend once I get them from Katie. :)

There is no place like home

So lately I have been feeling a little home sick. I knew moving here to Utah was going to be a struggle. As my Bishop concealed to me that the "Grass Is not Greener anywhere," and that I will have a hard time. I never had to move around a lot when I was a little girl. I remember when the new kids that moved into my class. I thought they were so cool because they were the new kids on campus. They made friends easily...well at least from where I am. So moving here was an exciting thing because I would make some new friends and find myself more. I hate to say but making friends here has been a little difficult...I meet people from my ward. We hang out talk and have a good time but that is the last I hear from them. I will see those that I meet from my complex walking around and I was say hello and of course they say hi back, but once again that is it. I know I don't have the most outgoing personality and I have come a long way! I used be as one boy called me my freshman year in high school a "hermit." I was not very social. I would just stick with what was familiar to me. Now I talk to people and introduce myself as well as hold meaningful conversations. I miss home mainly for my family. When I would have low days my Mom's home was always open to me. I would curl up on the couch with her and talk to her about all my worries and stresses.My Mom would always have the best words and ways to cheer me up. Here if I have a day like that I either call her or take my car for a drive and play my music. After a therapeutic session of pondering and pray I would return home. I hate putting myself out there sometimes to meet people. Especially when your talking and they kinda blow you off with short and brief answers like your boring them. I feel kinda like a fool.I just want to feel like I am someone people like to be around...well sorry again for another boring rant. 

My Passion

Last night I went to a film shoot of one my friends (Jonathan). I am so glad that he invited me! As you may or not know I want to major in film. I have never been on a film shoot before so the experience was all new to me.  When you are asked the question in high school what do you want to be I had always settled to be a teacher. My Mom was set on me being one because two of my Aunt's are teachers at local schools and she said that I would get great experience from them. Film was not even an idea yet. I guess you can say that it was my secret desire. I used to listen to music or read a book and think in my head how would I envision this. I loved it! One day just out of boredom I began to mix audio clips and clips from my favorite t.v shows and made up little videos. I jokingly mention it to my Dad and he asked to see them. I was nervous having him watching them because to me they were just some stupid boredom videos. His response kinda came as a shock  when he said "I think this is what you need to be doing." "Working with music videos and working towards films." "You would be a great teacher but I think this is your true passion." I began researching more about it. Then I talked to my Uncle and he told my Aunt who directs music videos for up an coming artist. She said that I could intern with her after I graduate. I began to feel more excited but not as excited as last night when I truly realized this was what I wanted to do. Jonathan posed a question to me about what did I want to do on a film. He began listing all the different departments. Honestly I was not sure. That night I was the P.A girl. I basically ran around and fetched stuff for the crew and the cast. Thirsty got it...Gaff tape got it! I even was a an extra as a dead body. Which was also fun because it was another new experience for me. Also playing a dead girl was interesting especially having to lay on a guys lap for awhile. I guess that is one way to know your neighbor better! The film shoot went on til about 2:30 a.m I began to feel tired and knowing that I had to be up for work that morning made me feel even more exhausted. I came out of this experience with more of a an appreciation for how movies are made. It is a lot of hard work and patience. But above all I came out the experience knowing what I want to be...a Director. 

I have realized!

So last night I went to the movies with my roommate and her boyfriend to go see "He Just Not That Into You." It started off introducing you to all the different characters and their relationship story and how they are all intertwined. I watched the movie and began to realize more and more how I related to the character in GiGi and how she goes through all kinds of relationship trials. She tends to like the guys that are just not that into her. She than gets the help of a guy to help her with all of her relationship woes. She than goes onto to say that she is not the exception to all the rules of men, but she is the rule. I AM THE RULE TOO! I usual go for guys or like guys that are "just not into me." I take their "Signs" or what they say and with the help of my friends "read into them." I used to not read into things until I had that friend that told me I was beautiful and that guy likes me. Also when it does not work out they are there to say that guy does not know what he is missing or he likes you he just does not know what he wants. UGH I wish they would just tell me the truth. I am easy to get over stuff and with their honesty I would be able to move on. So all day long I have been thinking more and more taking the advice from the movie observing guys from my ward and at my complex...is this guy into her...? I hate being a girl waiting for some guy to come around in find me. The part that got me the most is when the character of GIGI  kisses the guy that gives her help thinking that her likes her after she gets "signs" from him and thinks he likes her. He than gets up and starts to yell at her after she tells him that she thought he liked her. After his fit she says " I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! you think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make a fool of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either.You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid stuff but I'm still a lot closer to love than you'll ever be." I know sometimes I try or worry to much about relationship and get down when another year goes by still single, but at least I put myself out there. 

Who I am, Who I'm Not, Who I Want To Be

Yeah I know I took the lyrics to the song by The Fray. Lately those simple lyrics have sparked a thought in me. Which is Who I am I, Who am I not and What do I want to be. As of now I see myself as this. I am one of those girls that has one of the worst fears that one can carry. Which is I have a fear of acceptance. I hate when people don't like me or do not give me a chance. I am a girl with a big heart. I care a lot about others and makes sure people are happy. I am a girl that has a huge imagination. I love writing stories,scripts and plays. When I was younger I could entertain myself in my room with a make believe world that I made up in my head. I also was the one that my neighborhood friends would invite over to think up new adventures for pretend. I am girl that hides feelings to protect herself from those who have hurt her. So these blogs are personal and consider yourself honored to read them. I am girl with a testimony and faith. I am a girl who loves music and feels that on some days it is an escape from reality. I am girl that has risen from a ruff childhood to look and see the beauty. Who I am not is someone that will allow people to walk over her. I am not "Molly Mormon" and probably never will be. I  am not the outgoing girl and wished I was. Who I am not is emotionless.What I want to be is to feel wanted. I want to feel good enough. I want to be stronger. I want to be successful as in finish what I start. I want to be more confident but not in a prideful way.I want to be me. I want one day to see these things in me!

Scared Boy Syndrome

So I have thought a lot about relationships. I think you can not really escape the whole dating thing when you live in Utah. I like to say that I suffer from scared boy syndrome. That is every time I move a boy will finally get the guts to tell me that he likes me. Before I moved out here to Utah I went on a date with a guy friend of mine. It was really nice for him to take me out. Little did he know that only a week before I lost someone in my life. He asked me why my sudden move came about. I did not tell him that I was leaving to get away from the hurt and shock of someone I really cared for. I made up that I felt like it was time to move and that the opportunity came about so I took it. Don't get me wrong I did pray about it just weird how the Lord gives an answer sometimes sudden. While we were on our date he asked me some pretty interesting questions and he made me laugh on numerous accounts which was something I needed. He always jokes with me about being "just Friends" At the end of the date he asked is I was going to a show of one of our friends. I said I was not sure yet and might not. He than said "I will see you." Well I did get to go to say good byes to some friends and when I had to leave he gave me a hug and said that "This is not good bye and that he'll see me soon." Referring to his visit to Utah for spring break. He is a pretty cool guy and I like spending time with him. But I can not help not to put a wall up. Seems like most guys these days are looking for the "trophy wife" girlfriends. I do believe in myself to know that I am "Trophy Wife" material. Just that guys don't seem to see that. As I have said I tend not to crush on guys because well...they usually do not feel the same way. I feel a lot that I get played. Not saying that this guy back home won't play me or not. Just that the guys before well they have really messed me up. I was once proposed to. I was 19 and like I may have said already unsure that this was the route I wanted to take at that point in my life. I told him to wait and after I thought more about it. I told him that I would marry him. He than told me that he has been thinking about it as well and that the Lord told him I was not RIGHT for him. I think this has been an issue with relationships I have had thinking am I not right for this guy too?? I used to date a lot before I was LDS and now that I am seems like I have to worry more and more about is this next guy going to propose to me as well?? Will I be right?? As of now I just want to date and have fun. If I end up in a committed relationship well that is good too. I just want to feel like I am right and that these stupid guys that can not look and see the real beauty that lays beneath need to look at themselves. Anyways I know I went on a rant but tonight I had to just let it out. Like in one of my favorite songs "All the good girls are home with broken hearts."

My Poker Face

Well I have finally come to the realization that I live in Utah now, that I am no longer on what I thought was vacation. Getting a job really stressed me out!! Seemed like everywhere I went was full of employees and not hiring. Than out of the blue two places that I had applied to called me and offered me a job. I was so relieved. Than I moved into my new place at Foxwood. I still am getting a little adjusted. My roommates seem really cool. My roomie is from Taiwan she is super sweet and always is so helpful. She is here to learn English than she is moving back home. I must say I do love Utah. So far it is treating me good no extreme snow storms. I am really excited about going night boarding next week. I have never been before and I am sure that I will fall on my booty more than actually snow boarding. One thing lately I noticed is I want people to get to know me for me. I feel that most people refer to me as the friend of the friend or the best friend of a friend. Not as Brenna. I have come to realize more and more sense I have been here I have to step out and be...well me. I am no longer going to sit back and see what happens. I am going to have to come out of my comfort zone and make my own friends. Not the ones I feel like I am borrowing. I love the friends I have made through Rosalinda! They are all amazing and great people to be around. I like hanging out with them! I feel however I need to make some on my own. There for I will no longer sit back with a poker face...I am going to need to step up and make my move.

Home Sweet Home

I guess one can say this is my first Blog of the year. As most of my close friends know I moved to Utah. The interesting part is that I was not planning to move out here until febuary or the summer. As I was driving on my what seemed to be a forever long road trip up. I could not help to think for a moment like I was one of those rebellious characters in a movie, that pack up all their things a leave. I had only a week to say good-bye to my family and my friends as well as packing up and leaving. The prompting to move was so sudden and the path so unexpected. Being back here in Utah I know is going to have its ups and downs, but I know that this is where the Lord wants me to be. For so long I have been carrying so much weight and worry. As I rolled into my destination I had this overwhelming feeling of peace. I am excited to see where this road takes me here. I am glad to meet new people and catch up with old friends as well. I know these next days or weeks are going to be stressful with trying to settle in. Sorry this blog is short but hopefully once I am settled I will have more to write!